Conclusion: The Fundamental Issue of Trust
The lack of a bonding capacity in the adult product of a narcissistic family may ultimately be based on the absence of trust. Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman in alignment with Erik Erikson noted that the first stage is founded on the establishment of interpersonal trust. The newborn child must trust that his parents will take care of him and provide for his needs. If the newborn child initially receives this parental care, but soon loses it as he grows older, then the fabric of trust is ripped asunder and the child will find it hard to ever trust anyone in the future. The neurobiologists would suggest that the presence or absence of trust is manifest in (and helps to create) the presence or absence of substantial oxytocin in the neural system of the child (and adult).
The trust factor becomes even more prominent and painful as the child moves into adolescence and adulthood. In seeking out the child’s approval, the parents in the narcissistic family will insist on the creation of a family myth regarding happiness and mutual care. Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman write about the family secrets that are common in narcissistic families. The adults who are products of these families not only do not trust other people, they also do not trust what other people tell them about either the past or current realities. They also can’t trust what they are told about the future, since—as Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman observe—the parents in a narcissistic family are always making promises that are not consistently delivered.
I am reminded of the Harry Chapin song called “Cat in the Cradle.” The father in this song is always promising his son that he will attend a specific event and more importantly be “present” for his son. The father’s work, however, always distracts him from fulfillment of the promise made to his son – and prevents the father from ever meeting his son’s legitimate needs. Sadly, the son “grows up to be just like his Dad” – thus the narcissistic abuse is transmitted on to the next generation.
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