William Bergquist and Gary Quehl
[Note: The complete book (Caring Deeply: Engaging the Four Roles of Life-Fulfilling Generativity) is available for purchase. Use the following link: Caring Deeply.]
Before moving on to Generativity Three and Four, we want to review ways in which a transition from Generativity Two occurs. As in the case of Generativity One, the second generativity role may be with us throughout our adult lives. It might not always be operating in the spotlight, but it can play a secondary role to Generativity Three and Generativity Four. Somewhere between the spotlight and this supporting role is our role as grandparent in the organization with which we are affiliated.
We begin with the grand parenting role and the way in which we are honored (or not) in that role. We then turn to a strong, underlying transition that occurs in the lives most of us lead as mid-centurions (men and women between 50 and 70 years of age). We start listening to voices from various rooms in our psyche that have remained mute for many years. These voices often lead us to Generativity Three and Four. The voices can also be denied or ignored for many years, and this often leads us to stagnation. So, we need to pay attention. We identify mid-centurions as the “men and women of Autumn” who are generative rather than being stagnate. Like the glorious foliage of the Fall season, these Autumnal women and men are more than living out the middle and late stages of life. They are bursting with colorful and generative perspectives and deeply caring actions.
Grand Parenting Organizations
During our late midlife years, we often serve in a quasi-parental role as mentors, motivators, mediators, monitors and motivators to other members of our organization. And we also sometimes act as grandparents to these members and to our entire department, program, or organization. This is especially the case if we are about to retire or have already retired. In many instances, we no longer are a “spark plug” or source of new ideas and innovations—even if we have worked in an organization or community for many years. We may still have many innovative ideas, but the organization or community tends to look to younger and more energetic members to introduce or implement new programs. Some members of the organization, at times, might even consider their older colleagues as barriers to change. Older employees are part of the organizational “remnant,” representing the old values and ways of doing things. They are now the ones who tell stories about the “good old days” and serve the role of historian and archivist (as you will see, a role that is closely associated with Generativity Three). These men and women are now figurehead potentates rather than functional CEOs or prime ministers.The role of mature, mid-centurion men and women as remnants is critical to the core values and continuity of our organizations, communities and culture; this role, however, may not be fully appreciated in contemporary Western societies by younger colleagues. By contrast, as we noted in a previous essay, there is an honored role in many traditional Asian cultures (e.g., Chinese, Indonesians, and Japanese) for the wise organizational grandfather and grandmother. This man or woman often serves as chair of the board or as chief advisor to the head of an organization with which he or she has worked for many years. As senior members of society and teachers, they have experienced the joy and honor of being educational “grandparents” through teaching their younger colleagues. And they traditionally receive enormous respect from younger contemporaries: They are listened to, and they thoughtfully question and challenge analyses and recommendations about their organization without being competitive or defensive. In a way, they tend to be terrific clients for an organizational consultant.
As we observe practices in Western societies, however, we must conclude that white hair doesn’t necessarily translate to being honored and respected by younger members of an organization or community. In short, Western countries no longer support the role of honored grandparent. Senior men and women are typically “put out to pasture” or given a titular role that may be more of an embarrassment than an honor. Organizations and communities simply fail to avail themselves of these “grandparents” or engage their perspectives about enduring or disappearing values and traditions. A colleague recently observed:
I can take quiet pleasure in knowing that I made a difference and my ideas did finally take root. I may be hurt to hear a young hot shot articulate the “brand new idea” that I suggested to him four months ago. It is frustrating to witness the celebration of a very successful project that I championed five years ago. And I wasn’t even invited to this celebration until the last minute! Was I that insensitive to my elders when I was their age?
Despite the insensitivity, we can emulate our colleague and “take quiet pleasure” during our Autumnal years in being grandparents to new ideas and programs. But it is not an easy transition for many men and women. In some instances, we may need to encourage and support these Generativity leaders as they confront shifts in their organizational role. At the very least, we might support their emerging interests in reflective matters. In our study of senior Sage leaders in California, for example, we found there is a significant role to be played by community “grandparents.” These men and women of Autumn benefit the communities in which they live—and they often benefit themselves as quiet leaders who are appreciated and valued for their current contributions, rather than just being honored for past contributions and achievements.
Being Honored
Sometimes we are formally acknowledged and honored. We are given credit for being the founder of an organization, and we serve in the “George Washington” role or are identified as the new “Margaret Sanger.” At other times, we are honored for bringing the organization through a critical period by playing the role of “Abraham Lincoln” or “Martin Luther King” or “Rosa Parks.” Alternatively, we might be honored for leading the organization to its current level of functioning—as when we honor our recent presidents. In each case, we are honored more for our past work than for what we are now doing or potentially could do in the future. If we are accustomed as men and women of action to being praised for what we just did, or can do in the near future, we may find it difficult or even embarrassing to witness and accept the acknowledgment and gratitude of others for what we have accomplished in the past. We may even interpret these ceremonies as condescending efforts to get us out of the way, or as public statements that we are “over the hill.”
We are best served by setting aside these fears and negative assumptions and accept the accolades as genuine and well deserved. Ceremonies to honor us are meant to move us along to another role, and we would be wise to acknowledge this motive in our co-workers as we become grandparents and leave the role of organizational parents. The result is that we are likely to have less direct impact on the organization and more indirect influence.
It is time for us to reflect on the lingering impact of past decisions that we made and actions we took in our organization or community. This is appropriate. We are now free to write our memoirs, or at least share our stories with grandchildren and move on in our life. It is now time to shift into new generativity roles. We can now honor other men and women and the heritage of our community (Generativity Three). We can begin serving a broader set of interests and needs by becoming engaged in civic life (Generativity Four). There are many options and opportunities. Our life is only half over, and there are other acts to play on our life stage. Most importantly, there are messages being sent to us from other rooms in our own psyche. These messages can help guide us to new forms of generativity.
Voices from Other Rooms
Generativity comes from within us, and it is deep caring that motives us to reach out to others. Sometimes it is an event beyond our control that triggers a new generativity in us. Ultimately, however, the outside event is aligned with something that exists within us, and the new incentives for generativity do not come from very far away. In fact, there are familiar motives with which we are already well acquainted from earlier in our life. A metaphor comes to mind (borrowing from a phrase used by Truman Capote). There are voices to be heard from other rooms.
In our young adulthood, we made choices about what was important to us, about what was practical, and about what was suitable for a woman or man to do in life. In making these choices, we set aside certain prized activities and dreams. In our exploration of these choices, we turn once again to the insights we have gained over many years from our coaching and consulting clients. One of us recently worked with Samuel, who knew as a young man that it would never be practical for him to continue playing drums in a rock and roll band. He decided, instead, to become an accountant. Another example: A woman with whom we have worked is a prominent physician. Dr. Jane, as her devoted patients now call her, loved to play basketball as a kid, but gave it up during medical school.
Another client, Ricardo, is now in his late Sixties. As a single man, Ricardo loved shopping each Saturday morning at the open market. He looked forward to cooking a feast for his friends on Saturday night. Then Ricardo got married and learned in the mid-1960s that cooking was what women were supposed to do. When Ricardo was a young husband, men were not supposed to like domestic chores, especially in the Hispanic culture from which he came.
Such activities and dreams as these never go away as we lived through our 30’s and 40’s. Instead, we stuck them in a back room and they were only faintly heard. We filled the main psychic rooms in which we lived with many people, including our spouse, children, colleagues, friends, and business associates. Our living room, in particular, was rather noisy. We had very little time to hear, let alone listen to, these faint voices emanating from other rooms. If we heard them at all, the voices often appeared to be “young and foolish.” They seemed to come from another time and place in our life.
These voices, however, never went away; now in late midlife our living room is not as crowded or as noisy. We have more time to hear these voices from other rooms and are less often distracted than we were during our 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. Furthermore, many events are now occurring in our lives that repeatedly remind us of these faint voices from our past. Strange and unpredictable events seem to resonate with these past activities and dreams, and they often lead us to the third and fourth role of generativity: the preservation of heritage and civic engagement.
One of Samuel’s accounting clients hosted a 60s rock, roll and remembrance party several years ago. This is a lovely example of Generativity Three (Preservation of Heritage). His client had asked him if he ever played in a rock and roll band, and especially as a drummer. Dr. Jane’s practice as a physician is successful, but her own family doctor has forcefully told her to get more exercise. Jane just moved to a community with an active adult recreation program that features an “old boys” and an “old girls” basketball league. In joining and playing on one of the new “old girl” teams, Jane is suddenly involved with Generativity Four (Civic Engagement).
The wife of Ricardo, our would-be shopper and chef, just received a promotion and will have to travel in her new job. Now in her mid-Sixties, she got started late in her career and has no intention of retiring any time soon. She wants to make up for “lost time” and hesitantly asks Ricardo, who is now retired, if he wouldn’t mind doing more of the cooking for himself and each other during weekends. She makes her request only two months after a new gourmet supermarket opened at the local mall, and it features a Saturday morning farmer’s market. Ricardo now has an opportunity for making-up for his own “lost time” with Generativity One caring (through cooking) for his own family. Ricardo wants to take it further. He has met with the manager of the supermarket and hopes to provide cooking classes for men in his local community—moving him from Generativity One to Generativity Four.
It may seem that these examples are but a remarkable coincidence. However, there is a term that was fashionable several years ago (“synergy”) that is appropriate in describing this type of coincidence. Scientists also have a name and explanation for this phenomenon (“strange attractor”). Those doing research on chaotic systems note that there are many events in nature that seem to pull in energy from outside and establish powerful, compelling, and repetitive patterns. These chaos theorists suggest that most events occur in a random manner. One particular event, however, happens to have a slightly greater impact at a particular place and time than do other random events. As a result of this one slightly more impactful event, the other random events tend to orient around this “strange attractor” event. They become aligned with the orienting event, and a system is established.
One place in a roadway, for instance, might be slightly more indented than any other spot. Water and gravel tend to collect in this spot. The water and gravel, in turn, dig into the spot, propelled by passing cars. The spot becomes a small hole. This hole grows larger, attracting more water and gravel. Soon there is a pothole. The pothole gets filled in, but the newly applied asphalt differs in composition or weight from the old asphalt. Furthermore, there is a tiny crack between the old and new asphalt. These conditions lead to the creation of a new spot and the reemergence of the pothole–now “bigger and better” than before and more resistant to any corrective action.
This same process occurs in our own lives. Seemingly random events occur that hold no pattern. Then one event somehow touches upon old, faint voices in our back rooms that are now slightly louder or less often drowned-out by noise. As a result, we pay a little more attention to this event than we did in the past. Samuel, the “rock and roll” accountant, often had offers in the past to perform at parties and many of these offers were no doubt connected to something in which he was interested. Yet, somehow, this latest offer is particularly poignant since it triggers Samuel’s memories and his rediscovered interest in rock and roll.
Dr. Jane, the basketball playing physician, has always lived near a recreation center that sponsored basketball leagues for older adults. And she has always known, as a physician, that she should periodically leave her office to seek more exercise and recreation. Yet, somehow the time is now ripe for Jane to take action. The wife of Ricardo, our would-be shopper and chef, has undoubtedly asked him to help in many other ways in the past, when her own work began to shift. Yet, somehow, this offer to do more shopping and cooking connected with Ricardo’s recent retirement and his dormant love of shopping and cooking. It also aroused Ricardo’s vague recollection of one particular advertisement and article about a nearby Saturday market, and that motivated him to contract the manager about hosting a cooking class for men.