Election Day. November 6, 2012. The United States has been invaded by Energy Vampires. They are well organized and here to suck our blood and vital bodily fluids. They seem to belong to secret orders, possibly religious in nature.
The Order of the Devout Victim.
“Poor me. They are doing it to me. It’s not my fault. I’m stuck here.Always the underdog. I hate it and love it at the same time. The music is sweet to my ears. Victims of the world unite.”
The Order of Always Being Right
“I’m never wrong. Even when I’m wrong I’m right. I’d rather be right than be successful. I’d rather be right than keep my friends. I love being right. It’s better than pizza.”
The Order of Supreme Arrogance
“Just face it. I’m better than you. I won’t tell you to your face but everyone else knows. I was born better and the world belongs to me, not you. My soul is sacred and yours isn’t. I wish you would grovel and someday you will.”
The Order of I Always Dump You First
“I’m always the Dumper and never the Dumpee. In high school, I always got dumped first and learned my lesson well. Now, nobody dumps faster than me. While you are thinking about whether or not we have a future, I do it. Like the fastest gun in the west, I have the power. I’m so fast it takes people months to realize what happened.”
The Order of Diminished Delight
“When pressed, I smile a little. I never laugh out loud and avoid roller coasters, fast women and horror movies. Some say I look depressed but I’m thrilled to keep my real feelings inside. I don’t move my body much and never speak in a loud voice. Dancing and public displays creep me out and I’ve always waited for lovers to come to me. I am patient.”
The Order of Incessant Explanation
“I have a gold medal from the Explanation Olympics. I can explain the past, the future and what’s happening now. Nobody explains the weather better than me. I know why everybody does what they do and there is no national problem so small or so big that I can’t explain it. All I do is explain and everyone near me lives in an ocean of explanation. The tide never goes out.”
The Order of Insincere Apology
“I’m sorry. I apologize for everything. I start most sentences with a direct apology or a disclaimer or an unnecessary preamble that serves as an apology. I’m sorry for anything I’ve said or might say before I say it. I’m sorry.”
The Order of Frightened Aggression
“When in doubt, I attack. Sometimes, I make jokes at people’s expense and sometimes change the subject. Often, I mock what scares me. I’ve always had a case of free floating fear waiting for something to attach itself to. I keep myself under strict control, not a loose cannon but still a cannon.”
The Order of Insincere Offers
“I know that offers appeal to people especially if they really want what I say and I have been smart enough to figure that out. Eventually, they will be disappointed and go away but until then it remain “moth to the flame” and I keep the seduction game in play.”
The Order of Having to Make a Difference
“As they were getting divorced, he said,” If I wanted to get married to make a difference, I would have married the Sierra Club” Doing good was more important to her than sex or just talking to each other. No good cause was ever left unnoticed. She sent thousands of emails to people who increasingly avoided her. I kept asking myself, “When does good stop being good.”
The Order of Perpetually Trite Response
“I’ve watched TV for my whole life. I am a SitCom alive with places and people that never happen. No words bore me. I love simplicity and the uncomplicated. Intellectuals are dangerous. Ideas are dangerous. Foreign is dangerous. If God didn’t say first, it can’t and can’t be true. Boredom is excitement. Banal is creative. Life repeats itself, or else.”
The Order of Pathetic Objectives
“I never fail. My goals are limp. The world is a soft as Jello. I have a great job in a dysfunctional company with a cowardly boss and a truly unimportant product. Life is perfect. Boredom is joy. As the Universe wants.”
The Order of Staying in an Unwanted Relationship
“So they beat me? Better to have something with someone that nothing with no one. Who am I without a boss? My secret strength is that I will outlast any pain. I am worth nothing in the first place. The world outside is full of poison berries. My fear is the mind killer.”
The Order of the Immaculate Inquiry
“Ah, the beauty of the unanswered question. I am the learner surrendered to Grail Quest with no end. Never will I be good enough to ordain what I know. Never, do I have to take full responsibility because learning flows in my blood.
My questions are pure.