- Don’t judge
Part of the ethic of our profession is to remain as non-judgmental and non-attached as possible. People tell us the most intimate and amazing things, often things they have never discussed with anyone. Yes, they do this partially because we hold confidentiality as sacred in the coaching relationship, but it’s also because we are trained to be curious and non- judgmental.
My ex-husband was a criminal defense attorney, and he was taught that in cross-examination, you never ask a question you already know the answer to. In coaching, it’s the opposite. We’re trained to focus on questions we don’t know the answer to – and the best questions are often ones the client doesn’t know the answer to, either!
True curiosity, by its very nature, is non-judgmental, and by practicing this as coaches, we bring it more and more to everyone around us. As a coach for over 14 years, I have learned that it’s hard to be human sometimes. We’ve all screwed up, and we’re all doing the best we can, given where we are. My job isn’t to judge or condemn, but to be curious so that my client can more fully understand themselves.
The people in our lives can sense that we’re going to listen to them, if not completely without judgment (which is certainly much harder when you’re involved in the situation your- self), then with a fair amount less than the rest of the world. And thus, we are sought-after confidants, because very few people honestly resonate with being judged even though this is how much of the world interacts.
- Listen & Pay attention
As coaches, we are trained – perhaps above everything else – to really listen. Not just to wait our turn to talk, but to actually pay attention to what the other person is both saying and not saying. (Fran Leibowitz once famously said, “The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”)
Coaching requires a heightened commitment to being present with our clients, tuning our attention to subtle changes in their tone or body language. Everything the client says or does, and every way they say or do it, is critical information. A slight flatness in their hello may contribute to shaping the direction of the entire session. Thus, it’s critical that we develop our capacity to listen on many levels at once.
This sort of listening isn’t something we can or would want to shut off after our workday is done. It’s a way of being that becomes stronger and more dominant the more we practice. Just like lifting weights in the gym helps us build arm strength, listening to our clients all day builds our capacity to hear. And the more we can hear the subtle undertones in the answer to, “How are you?” the more present we can be with our friends, family, and colleagues.
The Coach’s brain
All of the practice of the skills mentioned above (and many more as well) can’t help but have an impact on our very being. We know that the brain has the capacity to change through a process called neuroplasticity, which, simply put, says that the more we practice something, the more neural connections associated with this thing are formed in our brain, making subsequent attempts easier and more fluid. Coaching is a whole set of positive communication skills, formed through training and (ideally) supervision, and honed in active practice.
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