Rebecca’s description of their typical day together revolved around their children, Bill’s job, and the household. In assuming this traditional role in her family, Rebecca represented a minority voice among the women we interviewed. Most of the women who are less than fifty years old are working outside the home, even if they have young children. Rebecca and Bill’s focus is on raising their children in as nurturing and trouble-free a manner as possible. They try to “stay afloat” while managing this very difficult process. Many of their fights are precipitated by their fatigue and the feeling that there is no way out. Fortunately, they have built a solid relationship and are flexible in assuming child-rearing responsibilities. At overwhelming moments, when they get angry at one another, they tend to use a variety of strategies for the resolution of their conflicts; they both realize that while child-raising is the source of many of their tensions, it is also the primary source of their joy. They know that they love each other and that these tensions will soon pass, especially as the children grow older.
Other couples have even less time than Rebecca and Bill for intimacy, talking, or simply enjoying each other’s company. Frequently, one of the partners (often the male) feels left out and ignored by the doting parent/partner. When describing a significant change that occurred during the 23 years of their marriage, Jeannie told a story about their first son, Pete, who was born ten days before their first anniversary. Jeannie was ecstatic about the pregnancy since both she and Bob had thought that Bob was sterile. Jeannie did not even see a doctor until she was five months pregnant because she thought it was impossible. When Pete was born, Jeannie’s whole world became her child. She shut Bob out. The couple had little time together and she later described herself as being an “obsessive” mother. Her child came before anything else. After fifteen months of considering only her child and lavishing him with all of her love and devotion, her relationship with Bob showed signs of disrepair. They fought more often and communicated less frequently and less clearly with one another. Bob also began drinking more heavily.
Bob reported that he felt excluded from the bonding between Jeannie and his son. Having been neglected himself as a child, Bob became jealous of the attention Jeannie was giving their son. Once again, he was being left out, now as husband and father rather than son. Bob resented their loss of time as a couple, and he did not like the child sleeping in their bed. He became increasingly fearful about being a capable parent and felt guilty about his own feelings of rivalry with his son.
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