Small incidents of unhelpful behaviour are best tackled in the moment, however this approach is for the significant failures in performance and behaviour where there is a recurrent theme or pattern.
Before the conversation
It is important to prepare** for the conversation by ensuring you are clear on what the problem is, who it is affecting (Themselves? You? Your colleagues? A client?), and how and what change you would like to see.
Initiating the conversation
The courage to initiate the conversation comes with having the right mind-set, so ensure you start with the right intention – to help that person be more successful by modifying their behaviour.
Be mindful of how you word the invitation. In neuroscience terms, hearing the phrases ‘Can I give you some feedback?’ or ‘Can we talk?’ generates a similar ‘fight or flight’ response as hearing a window smash at night when you are alone. Try re-phrasing to a less threatening “Would you like to go out for a coffee sometime today?” or “I’d just like to go over a few things – can you spare a few minutes?”
The conversation*
Remember – this is a two-way conversation. Ensure the other person is invited to contribute at each of the four steps.
1. Make an observation: “I noticed you….”
State this as a fact and immediately ask the person for their side of the story.
2. Describe how it made you feel: “I bring this up because I feel…”
Use descriptive language to articulate the emotional effect of their behaviour. Then ask them what feelings were behind the behaviour.
For this approach to have true impact, the manager needs ‘own’ their feelings about situation and verbally acknowledge why they need a change to be made.
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