As a child, I told myself I was going to be a doctor when I really was a salesman. As a consultant I have believed I was a strategist for my clients, when I was really just a facilitator. I have had clients who thought they were trying to solve one set of problems, when in reality, their challenges and opportunities lay elsewhere. America as a country tells itself – and perhaps believes – we seek international peace, when our policies craft actions and results that promote our national self-interest, not necessarily peace or peaceful means. There is no question that we are capable of lying to ourselves – as individuals, as organizations or as communities or nations.
The real question we are drawn to consider is: “What does it take to confront the lie in our pursuit of our true, authentic self?” The importance of the question underlies the need to be realistic and honest in the rapidly changing and politicized world in which we now live. The political right strongly holds to “moral values” that may no longer be realistic; “principles” so heart-felt by the political left may no longer be achievable without compromise. At the personal level, as leaders, managers, parents or partners we face the same challenge in our families, organizations and self-perceptions.
A simple method to confront these patterns might best be described in the “I Think, I Want, I Need, I Do” exercise once taught to me by an experienced life coach and business consultant. I have come to call the reality check the “Cocktail Napkin” exercise. Simply provide a short answer to complete each sentence started with these words, and do the exercise three times in rapid succession. For example: “I Think…. I am a good person who cares about my community.” Next, “I Want…. To be seen as a person who cares about their community.” Then, “I Need to act more like a person who cares about their community.” And finally, “I Do…. Not really care or act like I care about my community.” Repeat, finishing the sentences again with new reflection. Complete each sentence on a small piece of paper like a cocktail napkin.
By repeating the exercise two more times, completing each leading sentence starter with a brief answer, we are forced to confront the reality of our thinking in the context of what we really think, want, need and actually do. It is really quite amazing how our answers change and our new perspective addresses how to “Stop Lying to Yourself About Who You Really Are.”
Lying somehow seems part of our essence as humans. Thus, it is important to face up from time to time to who we really are – or have become – that is different from what we wished, thought, or were telling ourselves. In Mark Twain’s short essay, On the Decay of the Art of Lying, he wrote: “The lie as a virtue, a principle, is eternal; the lie, as recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man’s best and surest friend is immortal.” Twain first shared the essay at an 1880 meeting of the Historical and Antiquarian Club in Hartford, Connecticut. His humor not only points out the veracity of this ancient practice, but engages us in learning what we can from the so often unspoken reality of the lie.
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