While Emily Post’s guidelines are no longer in vogue, one gains a sense that Enneagram One’s would like Emily’s etiquette to be back in force. There is a “proper” way to arrange the silverware, and a proper way to respond to a dinner invitation (even if it is sent by email or texted!). When an Enneagram One anticipates that things will be done “right” then they can “relax” (their parasympathetic system is softly engaged).
By severe contrast, the Enneagram One’s sympathetic system kicks in violently when disorder and unpredictability are anticipated. The person with whom one is about to meet has been a “mess” in recent days and has acted in “strange” ways during previous meetings. More generally, the world that the Enneagram One anticipates joining in the morning after a bracing cup of tea is likely to be volatile and filled with ambiguity, turbulence, and contradiction. The prospect of entering this VUCA-Plus environment (Bergquist, 2025) fills the Enneagram One with dread.
This dread-filled anticipation can be self-fulfilling for the Enneagram One. They enter the VUCA-Plus world with a strong desire to slow things down, impose structure, and resist variation; these “ordering” actions will often produce “kick-back” leading to even greater volatility, ambiguity, and turbulence. Other people in their life don’t want to be controlled, ordered about or forced to play certain roles prescribed by the Enneagram One. Counter forces will produce contradiction and even higher levels of anxiety and rigidity in the Enneagram One. Rules that are imposed are rules that are violated or at least indirectly “messed with.” A vicious cycle is created, leading the Enneagram One to seek refuge after a day of turbulence (often retreating to a romantic comedy on the Cable channel or to a “safe” novel about the good old days of courtesy and character).
Enneagram Two: The Giver
The second Enneagram configuration is founded on a process of social give and take. Palmer (Palmer, 1991, p. 101) offer the following summary of Enneagram Two:
“Twos move toward people, as if seeking an answer to the inner question Will I be liked? They have a marked need for affection and approval; they want to be loved, to be protected, and to feel important in other people’s lives. These were children who learned love and security by meeting other people’s needs. As one outgrowth of their search for approval, Twos develop an exquisite personal radar for the detection of moods and preferences. Givers say that they adapt their feelings to suit the concerns of others, and that by adapting, they are able to ensure their own popularity. They also report that if they are not getting the approval that they need that the adapting habit can become compulsive, to the point where they forget their own needs in a driven attempt to flatter others as a way of buying love.”
In their anticipation of what is about to happen, Enneagram Twos are inclined to focus on interpersonal relationships. They anticipate how other people will react to the “gifts” being given to them by the Enneagram Two. This gift might be an invitation to the Enneagram Two’s party or trip on their boat. It might instead be a favored book, recipe for Crème Brulee, or a new silk scarf. The Enneagram Two could be offering the recipient a ride to their doctor’s appointment, or an evening of babysitting so the recipient can attend the local theater with their new boyfriend.
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