Being an accompanying partner can also be an isolating experience, particularly in the early days of a move. You are unable to rely on your friends and family at home because they are distant, they don’t understand what you are going through or you don’t want to confide in them because you feel guilty about complaining about your new “glamorous and charmed life” overseas. Making it worse, you haven’t formed any meaningful friendships in your new locations yet. The only person you feel comfortable confiding in is your partner. But it’s early days for him too – he’s under significant stress as he acclimatizes to his new job and may be so consumed with his own issues that he doesn’t have the capacity to handle yours too. You may resent that he’s not emotionally available but he may be feeling responsible and even a bit guilty for putting you in a situation where you may not be happy. Simmering resentment and guilt – not a good combination.
Case Study
Six months into our Vietnam posting, life had improved dramatically. We were living in a wonderful house, the children had all made new friends and I had a great network of like- minded people to support me. I felt I had learnt a lot from my first six months in HCMC and was very conscious of keeping an eye out for newcomers. They were easily recognizable by the glazed look in their eyes and the sagging shoulders. One such lady I met, Carla, became a good friend and a trial “coaching” client. Without either of us becoming aware of it, my role became one of support person, and confidant. Carla hated Vietnam with a passion. Her husband had relocated their successful business to Vietnam to help cut down on productivity costs and take advantage of the booming Vietnam economy. He had picked the house before Carla arrived (which she hated on sight), he picked the furniture (a disaster), and traveled constantly so Carla was left on her own, with two daughters, for long periods of a time. When we first met, she was miserable. Over the course of our friendship I tried to include her in outings, get her involved in charity work and do something about her uncared for home. In an expat world, your home is your salvation; it is an escape from the crazy world outside that sometimes you want to hide from. I learnt early on that it is important to surround yourself with your favorite furnishings, pictures and comforts from home. As one expat spouse commented:
Make your house your home…feeling like it is a rental property you are in temporarily will stop you feeling settled.
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Maureen Morton
May 10, 2013 at 7:58 pm
Dear Karen
I found this article fascinating. I often wondered and marvelled at how you coped and were coping in those early years. To have remembered and written it down is so worth while and I hope it will go into the reading package of every new expat, wherever they are going.
I can also see a career blossoming for you, wherever you are, by introducing this concept, of providing a coach to expatriate spouses in the early days of their moves, to the Human resources manager of companies. You could certainly sell the idea on the basis of cost alone, when you think how much money they lose when an employee goes home early because the family cannot settle in a new country.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I really enjoyed reading it.
Nothing like the usual academic waffle
love and hugs
Maureen
Truth always
May 12, 2013 at 4:35 pm
Hey, Karen doesn’t mention here the really telling background story of how she came to be an expatriate, leaving her former policeman husband for her current one that’s a banker, with three kids under 10 at the time. Plenty of grey facts about whether it was adultry as well. Not sure I would recommend her services as a lifecoach. Amazing how some people re brand themselves so anyone needing marketing tips should follow her advice. Also one of her current family members seems to be leaving the positive notes. Karen as a lifecoach is the funniest thing I could ever imagine. Would be interesting to hear her guidance in ethics or family morals
e.curran
May 14, 2013 at 4:09 am
Truth always , isn’t it strange how people like you do not use their real name especially when they are leaving negative views, or just their side of a story.
vorameghana
May 30, 2013 at 2:55 am
Expatriate is very important, especially for those who travel to different countries for work purposes. Expatriate can be anyone which chooses to live in a country other than the motherland.http://www.whatisall.com/people/what-is-an-expatriate.html