As we saw in the case of Dan—and as we will continue to see in our assessment of the other three generativity roles—men often become more interpersonally-oriented, emotionally-sensitive and interdependent as they grow older (more “feminine” in a traditional notion of femininity). Women, on the other hand, often become more assertive, goal-oriented, and independent as they grow older (more “masculine” in a traditional notion of masculinity). Yet, the dynamics between father and son, mother and daughter might be frozen in the “olden days.” The son may continue to view his father as a withholding, competitive rival and often a betrayer of the mother’s affections—especially if a divorce has disrupted the marriage and family dynamics. This might occur even though the father has been trying for many years to reclaim his relationship with the son he seemed to have lost somewhere in the past. Similarly, the daughter often still views her mother as someone who sacrificed her life for other people (abandoning her own identity), even though her mother may now find vitality and purpose in her personal and pubic life.
To emphasize the fact that Generativity One is alive and well in many lives of the mature adult with grown children, we now turn to the life narrative of the third Featured Player in our generativity play. We call this person, Sally. She is the mother of two grown children and has been married to her husband for more than 50 years. As we noted earlier, Sally got deeply involved in the Washington, DC, political scene. Like most mature women and men, Sally has a life of her own and is now savoring her retirement years. As we will see in future chapters when Sally’s civic engagement is featured (Generativity Four), she has a very busy life that helps her meet generativity needs other than just parenting. Yet, she finds herself being pulled back into the Generativity One role:
My son just turned 52, and my daughter was 56 in September. So, they can be considered mature adults. I call myself “the Ancient”; I will be 75 next April, and that will be a big one. In terms of parenting my own children, my daughter Carol quit her job at age 56 and said she was going to become a missionary in Africa. This did not surprise my husband and me because we had our own history of giving back during our very busy professional years; in a way her following in our footsteps was sort of a parenting thing.
There was a point in time after Carol quit her job that we thought she would do some consulting while getting things in order for her assignment in Africa. But that didn’t happen. She sold her car and condo, put everything in storage, and started living with a friend rent free. This continued for eighteen months, and Carol seemed to be living the “Life of Riley.” My husband and I, her brother and all of her friends really began to worry about her. We all wondered, “What in the world is she doing? Is she really going to Africa? Or is she just playing around? Is she a lost soul at 56 years old?”
My husband and I had a weekend with her and her friends on her 56th birthday. Coming away from that her best friend asked at dinner, “Carol, what are you doing? It seems as if you are just spending more and more money.” So what do we do the next day on her nickel? We went to a special wine tasting up in the hills outside Sonoma, where she convinced her father to join the wine club with her. Well, why did she need to join this wine club if she is going to Africa? She merely said that when she left for Africa, the membership would be her father’s.
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