XI. The Enduring Role of Generativity One as Leader and Grandparent

Death of Child or End of Project: The Abrupt End of Generativity One

Before moving on to Generativity Two, we must briefly bring up the very difficult issue of loss. In most societies, it is assumed that the parent dies before the child dies. But what happens when the child dies first? The death is profound even when our child is a mature adult and we have been blessed with many years watching him or her mature. We grieve the lost years that were anticipated as the child would grow older and perhaps have children of their own. A colleague of ours studied the processes of grieving for parents who lived through the death of their child when she was eight year old. The grieving is long-lasting. As one of the men who our colleague interviewed put it: “We bury our spouses in the ground, but bury our children in our heart.”

One of the leaders in our Sage Leadership Project had to confront the loss of her own child:

The most important peak experience was losing my first child, because I learned something about myself that I hadn’t previously known. In the end, going through a incredibly painful and dark 32-hour labor to deliver my dead child, was the most powerful, meaningful experience of my life – to feel this child that had been living inside of me leave my body and to look at her and hold her. I was able to go so deeply into healing and grew so much through this experience, and I learned how resilient we are… and how much capacity we have that we don’t always know we possess.

In many instances, of course, the grieving parent can turn to her other children who may still remain in her life. Even with the continuing presence of other children, however, there is the abrupt end of one domain in the role of Generativity One for this parent. As we can all observe in the lives of grieving parents we know, and in the poignant portrayal of grieving parents and grieving siblings in movies such as Ordinary People and Terms of Endearment, the loss is always present and impacts the lives of all family members and others closely associated with the family.