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Breaking Free From Gravity

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One day, in October 1999, there was a shift in the cosmos.  Something was culminating and brewing in the background, something unlike anything I had felt or seen before.  It was no longer abnormal in our orbit and pattern for him to beat me, berate me, completely humiliate me and verbally tear me to shreds — it would happen at various intervals.  But it was quite unusual when he beat the living tar out of me for 45 minutes in front of our son, who was 5 at the time.  This explosive power that resulted was like an immense meteor penetrating the atmosphere of the earth and hitting the ground, creating a grand canyon-like crater in my world.  Internally shattered, physically bruised, swollen and in great pain, I stared at myself in the mirror and felt……, shame, self contempt, and extreme frustration with this orbit I seemed to have no control over and couldn’t break the inertia of, and now, complete and utter despair knowing that my son had seen this awful, horrific assault.   What followed was a deep soul searching, an inner inventory and priority shift, and realization that there was no Superman to whisk me off like Lois Lane out of the path of danger, there was no Neil Armstrong to pull me out of this crash course with impending doom, there was no Space Shuttle to make adjustments to my internal velocity system and fire boosters to launch me out of this orbit.  There was me, only me……, and this darling, sweet son who was placed in my orbit to love, protect and teach valuable life lessons to.  Somehow, I would have to find a way to break free from the gravity that held me down, in this life, in this place where only darkness and coldness existed.

It took two weeks to get the escape plan together and every single ounce of energy I had in my body to leave and explode out of this twelve-year relationship.  During those two weeks there were many times I doubted I could do it, and couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t somehow track me down with that magnetic force again and stamp out the light of my star for good.   On November 2, 1999 I took my son and only our fewest most personal things, and left everything else behind.  We needed to be as light as possible to break that gravitational pull.  This escape, this exodus away from the black hole threatening to swallow me whole, was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.  It may always be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  But also, it has been the best thing I’ve ever done.  In breaking free, I set myself and my son on a new course and new path, aligned with where we were meant to be.

I’d never thought of gravity much before, until I understood how much it was impacting me.  I never appreciated how strong that force was until I had to break free of it and in doing so, found that an even greater strength resides inside me that was there all along.

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