Children (or a project) from previous relationships pose a unique challenge for many couples in 21st Century societies. As in the case of many couples who have previously been committed to other relationships, Dean and Kent faced the problem of moving into another person’s life, complete with previously incurred obligations and possessions. Dean and Kent come from quite different backgrounds. Dean was an African-American from a small town in Tennessee. He was 42 years old when the interview took place and had been in several long term relationships, dating back to his high school days; each relationship lasted about three years. Kent, who was ten years older than Dean, is a European -American from Ohio. His longest lasting relationship prior to being with Dean was thirteen years; this was with a woman, with whom he had two children. The children are now grown. Tina is 21 and David is 25. When they first met, Dean was 25 and Kent was 35.
The key issue for them had not been race but Kent’s family obligations. Dean told this part of the story: “On the second day Kent and I were together, kids came running in.” Kent had said nothing to Dean up to that point about an ex-wife or children. Tina was five and-a half at the time and she screamed, “Daddy, Daddy.” Dean was sitting on the couch watching television at the time. Then David, who was about ten, and Kent’s ex-wife Patricia came in. Dean said he panicked and thought: “Oh shit, he’s married. There is going to be a huge fight.” But he said he managed to keep his cool. Tina came over to the sofa and sat next to Dean, and Kent came into the room and introduced Dean to his ex-wife. Then Tina turned to Dean and said: “I don’t know you very well, but if you hurt my father in any way I will get you.” Five minutes later they were all having a good time—a remarkable story of one man being accepted into the life and home of another man and his children and ex-wife!
Dean and Kent talked about the challenge of raising two children during the 1980s and 1990s when there were few role models for same-sex partners. They found that with children as the focus in their relationship, they had to assume roles that were more often patterned after heterosexual roles. Kent, for instance, was very conscious of Mother’s Day. He felt that he assumed that role in his children’s upbringing and was adamant that this role be celebrated, despite the fact that he was the biological father.
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