Fifty Shades of “No”

We perhaps could have called this piece, Fifty Euphemisms for “No”. How about this one: “There is some value in saying that.”.., with absolutely no commitment to asking the questions which might dig out value.

In preparing this I did some Google research, and while I am not sure that Google gives a truly balanced view, what did get revealed was that ‘no’ in and of itself has no bias towards provoking positive or negative outcomes. It has no personality — it’s just a tool. ‘No’ can result in an ending or a beginning.

It is probably true to say that “no” usually results in a negative reaction, at least at first blush. New ideas face a lot of “find the flaw” listening. To have potency, the ‘no’ we say must be contextualized, either by the way it is said, or by explanation. A positive outcome depends upon speaking in a way which will provoke questioning thought. (Edward de Bono’s Red Hat idea is one refreshing way of doing it.)

In the 1960’s, Blake and Mouton, most well known for their work devising the “Management Grid” (a starting point for many of us in looking at management styles), also produced a work on negotiating. An invaluable observation I found from this was that frequently negotiations are overshadowed by previous ones. Sorting out what is actually getting a “no” or “yes” requires sensitive and acute listening, and being willing to go beyond the obvious.  The ground-breaking work done by Fisher and Ury (Getting to Yes and The Power of a Positive “No”), merits a few hours of thoughtful reading, followed by a lifetime of reflective thinking and application.

I am so grateful for the invitation to contribute this short piece. The work has taken me back to the roots of my understanding of the importance of a constructive “no”. I value deeply all those who have been so patient with me as I have developed my own practice and understanding of its fundamental importance in building open and honest relationships. The opportunities are always there. As I deal with the death of my first wife, they are most certainly present. Practice does not necessarily make perfect, but does support the possibility of more productive and healthy outcomes.