Frequently, the issue of time spent doing something other than child-rearing is heightened because both partners work full-time, and late evenings are often filled with household chores that neither partner can do during the day. Many couples we interviewed reported very little time for talking or sex. They were left with an exhausted snuggle at the end of a very long day. Many couples also do not enjoy Rebecca and Bill’s capacity to look beyond their immediate child-rearing problems to the gratification that they are receiving from this complex and demanding process. In the midst of hurt feelings about attention being devoted exclusively to a child, or conflicts regarding who should change the diapers, it is often difficult for a couple to share a moment of mutual admiration for the important job they are doing in bringing a child into the world.
Child-rearing is frequently the source of contentious arguments about both financial priorities and other areas of responsibility, at least for couples who have young children living at home. Many couples we interviewed pointed to the birth of their first or second child as a joyous event, but also the source of considerable strain in their relationship. In the midst of Generativity One, they are often trying to discover new ways in which to structure their lives and the relationship with their life partner (including finances, attitudes about home and possessions, career, and values). This often happens while their children are also exploring new ways of relating to their parents, siblings, friends, and the world in general.
Even for those men and women who have grown children, the issue of child-rearing can raise its contentious head. As we have already suggested, Generativity One doesn’t end after children leave home. When John and Nancy were asked to identify areas in which they had different values, Nancy immediately replied, almost dryly, “The time I spent with the children.” John agreed and explained that one area where this showed-up was in long distance phone calls. John complained that Nancy would spend an hour talking to one of their distressed children about their life in general. John thought that was an expense they couldn’t afford, especially since she wasn’t offering counsel about a specific problem.
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