Anchoring Life Values: Many people we have interviewed, such as Bessy and Bill, discovered that their life values began to settle securely in place in the early years of building a shared project—in their case starting a flower shop. Generativity One has a way of powerfully anchoring what is truly important in their lives. Typically, responsibilities are firmly and clearly assigned, whereas before the initiation of a shared project these responsibilities were more likely to be loosely framed, readily shifted, or even ignored.
Like many couples, Bill and Bessy made the choice to identify an “equal and logical way” of distributing responsibilities in running the flower ship (including preparing flower displays, ordering flowers, and waiting on customers). Other couples are not so sanguine about the assignment of duties and responsibilities; yet, if a couple is to establish viable norms for project-building, the increased pressures and work demands inside the relationship typically require that they establish firmer boundaries and clearer expectations. When building a project, a couple is clearly in a “business” and must establish business-like rules or they risk destruction of their relationship.
We have often suggested that clients we are coaching establish a “covenant” (Bergquist, 2023). In their covenant, the couple identified ways in which they chose to treat one another in their daily interactions – and particularly in the project they have chosen to initiate together. This covenant can include such matters as patterns of communication, ways of addressing conflict, collaborative problem-solving strategies, and (most importantly) guidelines for making decisions—what we have identified elsewhere as the empowerment pyramid (Bergquist, 2003).
The covenant might also include some “micro-strategies” for sustaining and enriching their relationship. This might mean finding time to get away from the project for a weekend—at least not talk about it at the dinner table. Occasional “bids” might be included in the covenant—these “bids” being moments when one member of the couple goes out of their way to be of assistance to their mate, or takes some action (such as cooking a special meal) that acknowledges the contribution(s) being made by their partner (Bergquist, 2023, pp. 217-219).
Surrogate Parenting: Generativity One Through Impacting the Lives of Children Outside One’s Family
Sometimes we try to have it all: children, a paying job, and some valued project on the side. At other times, we try to make our project into a paying job by starting a business, turning a hobby into a business, or making our job more meaningful and enjoyable. In yet other instances, we make the hard decision to forego child-raising and instead invest our time, energy, and generativity in a special project that directly benefits children who are not “our own.”
This apparently is the case with Oprah Winfrey, who made the difficult decision not to have children herself. Instead, as she has noted in many interviews, Oprah reframed her Generativity One pursuits by declaring that she would seek to care for all the children in the world rather than devote herself to raising her own biological children. Oprah Winfrey, of course, also has a huge project to run—namely her own massive media enterprise. That is enough to keep anyone fully occupied!
Then there are the less famous leaders in Nevada County, California, who participated in the Sage Leadership Project. They were all devoted to their community and many of them gained great generative satisfaction from working with children who were not their own. One of our Sage leaders offered a touching and poignant observation about the generative impact that resulted from her work with such children.
“Being able to support people and letting them know they’re doing a good job are qualities I admire in a leader. And also giving others confidence and making them feel good about themselves and their abilities. When I worked with kids, being with teenagers was always my favorite because I was so into building their self-esteem. And I think doing that has stayed with me, because everyone has to work on their self-esteem. I think I am good at that. I think I boost people’s morale.”
Download Article 1K Club
