Other couples are not quite as emotionally intelligent or appreciative of personal differences and appropriate roles as Larry and Harold. A coach is sometimes needed to help both partners appreciate the contributions being made by their mate, as well as “catch the couple when they are doing it right” (that is focus on moments of successful collaboration).
The Rules Governing Generativity One
What are the rules of the game when it comes to starting a major project? And how do we set priorities and conduct ourselves? Rule-setting is particularly difficult and critical when the decision is jointly made by both members of a couple—as it often is with Generativity One. Many struggles in the lives of the men and women we interviewed concerning their projects centered on Generativity One issues. These issues centered on creating and maintaining a specific business, shared project or production process.
Old Ghosts and Control: These struggles and disagreements often concerned the identification of values and the differentiation between these values and those that were inherited from parents, community, church, or friends. Even after we have come to terms with the separation of our values from those of our parents, something dramatic and often disturbing occurs when we start our project. The voices of our mother or father suddenly come back to haunt us. We find ourselves using the same outmoded assumptions about how to motivate workers or how to sell products as our father or mother used thirty or forty years ago. These assumptions were out-of-date even back then! How might a coach help to exorcise these “ghosts”?
Tally and Kesha struggled individually and collectively with one of the fundamental building blocks of Generativity One: the issue of control in conducting a project. Kesha and Tally both came from a very traditional culture (India) and found that a focal point of their relationship and their shared values was a struggle with old parental and societal values about control. These cultural “ghosts” can be particularly pernicious and a coach will be of value only if they are sensitive to cultural differences (Rosinski, 2003).
Priorities and Responsibilities: Important projects tend to draw in all Eriksonian stages—particularly Generativity One. Primitive concerns about success and control are often the eye of the hurricane during stormy phases in the life of a project. Consequently, project management was often identified as the central problem for a person or couple whom we interviewed. This was certainly the case with Caroline and Sam. They both indicated that their most intensive “serious talks together” had recently centered on priorities and responsibilities. About six weeks prior to the interview, Caroline had become angry about Sam’s new job as a church promotional director. It was taking Sam away from their family more than she felt was necessary.
Carolyn confronted him with her frustrations, citing what she termed his “lack of interest” in assuming his share of responsibility around the house and with the kids. She indicated that these problems needed to be fixed immediately or she was considering leaving him. Sam agreed that things had gotten out of hand but noted that he had recently begun to structure time with Caroline and the kids. He listed the tasks he had recently assumed to demonstrate he had equal responsibilities in their home, but he didn’t seem to have a clear picture of what Caroline was left to do. She declined to comment further; they were both uncomfortable at this point. Clearly, they had work to do on this difficult issue.
Sam and Caroline’s church played a central role in the continuation and potential solution to their ongoing problems. On the one hand, the church provided them with support, friendships, and a sense of purpose in life. Their children had benefited greatly from the community and the education they received from the congregation. Yet, the sum total of their time outside work and family was consumed in church activities. Sam had his music programs and Caroline taught Sunday school.
However, Caroline was less committed than Sam to volunteering her time to the Church, and she seemed resentful that their social life had never moved beyond the church. Clearly, the church wasn’t meeting all of Caroline’s needs, while Sam had everything invested in it. If Caroline wanted to remain with Sam, she had to be actively involved in the church. However, this contradiction was not discussable. Thus, a central issue in Caroline and Sam’s relationship and child raising was subject to considerable distortion and resentment by both partners. Caroline and Sam were at a crossroad in their relationship, and Caroline threatened to move out. A coach might have been of value here—even if only to recommend that Caroline and Sam see a couples therapist. At the very least, a coach can provide a safe place for the contradiction to be surfaced—especially if the coach is familiar with “church life” and the beliefs held by Sam and Caroline.
Download Article 1K Club
