Some appreciation of the risk taken in being proactive about inclusion is most important as it relates to the establishment of Trust. This appreciation often is aligned with a new acquaintance or group member being clear and transparent about their interpersonal needs and their concerns about group operations and dynamics. An acknowledgement of important interpersonal needs and concerns about interpersonal relationships and group operations might be reciprocated by the other person in a relationship or existing members of the group. This, in turn, paves the way for effective transition in the future to addressing the interpersonal need for control and openness.
What about reactive Inclusion? I am waiting for other members of the group to invite me in. I am waiting for some gesture from this person I have just met regarding their interest in me. I devote my energy to observing and taking mental notes of what is occurring. I fear rejection—even if I am mature and self-confident. For many women of a previous era, this might be reminiscent of waiting to be asked to dance at the high school prom. The pain of sitting at the side of the dance floor and hoping to be asked to dance is palpable. It is not just the fear of never being asked; it is also the fear of the wrong boy asking you to dance. Just to be balanced in offering the analogy of dance, it should be noted that the pain was also being suffered by the young men. What if she doesn’t want to dance with me? I will be crushed. It might be better to not ask her. But then I will just be sitting (or standing) here and making a fool of myself.
We are now grown up and are no longer attending high school dances (with an accompanying sigh of relief). Yet, the issue of reactive inclusion is still salient. How do I let another person know that I would like to establish a relationship? How do I tell members of the group that I would like to meet with them be considered for inclusion in the group? What if they don’t want me—perhaps it is better to just sit back and hope that I will be included. There are subtle ways to invite inclusion; however, it is also important not to seem too needy (like the tail wagging dog who is saying “pet me, pet me” or even “love me, love me”). There is also fear of being inconsequential. It might not even be a matter of thoughtful inclusion by the other person or the group. I simply might not matter. I am not “on their radar.” They missed our planned meeting yesterday and sent no regrets. They have forgotten me. I have been left behind, while other members of the group move forward. Collaboration and the honoring of differences are nowhere in sight. If there is community—I am not a member. If Trust does exist, it lingers nowhere near me.
There is the matter of being the outsider – someone of the wrong gender, wrong race, wrong ethnic group, wrong class, wrong accent, wrong age. For these people, a shadow often hangs over a desired relationship or membership in a desired group. The “outsider” is likely to not know fully what the world is like with regard to the person with whom they would like to relate. They don’t really “know” much about how this group really operates—given that they are on the outside.
Ironically (and poignantly), information about this other person or this group is particularly important—for when one is somehow in the minority, then the issue of inclusion is often particularly important and a potential source of major pain if the process of genuine inclusion is flawed. Trust is precarious when becoming “in” is unlikely and remaining “out” is a predictable outcome. Resmaa Menakem (2017) (among others) identifies something called “micro-aggression” in his book, My Grandmother’s Hands. These are the small but frequent episodes of harm that are experienced by many marginalized people. Exclusion from a group – either formally or informally—can be one of these micro-aggressions (when informal) or can become a macro-aggression when the exclusion is formal (the “black ball” phenomenon). The alarm bells of exclusion are ringing. Trust is nowhere to be found.
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