We Learn Behaviors and Develop Our Sense of Self from Our Emotional Experiences

Learning and development are deeply emotional processes. Once a particular response has been learned and embodied, it can be hard to stop or replace even when it is limiting or sabotaging. The most obvious examples of this are our psychological defenses. Through the emotional turmoil of our childhood and teenage years, we learned and developed ways to protect and defend ourselves from getting hurt in specific ways.

For example, I can remember sitting in the back row of the classroom in 3^rd grade. The teacher asked the class a question (although I can’t remember it). Enthusiastically I raised my hand to answer the question. When I gave my answer, the teacher harshly criticized it and I felt overwhelming shame for being wrong. For the next decade of school, I never volunteered to answer a question in class again. Sitting in class, I frequently felt anxious and fearful that I would be called upon to answer a question. I never wanted to feel such overwhelming shame ever again. This pattern of not speaking up in groups persisted into my late twenties. This protective strategy aimed to prevent me from feeling ashamed, yet it also sabotaged my participation in school, in college, and in the early years of my professional career. I struggled with a lack of self-worth throughout this time of my life.

My experience is not uncommon. Everyone has felt hurt many times in life and adapted to this by learning and developing defenses. We have felt abandoned, annihilated, betrayed, deficient, destroyed, embarrassed, humiliated, isolated, rejected, shamed, unloved, worthless, etc. These powerful emotions are the basis for enduring emotional learning. Defenses, like my avoidance of speaking up in groups, are well-intended. However, 1) they inevitably fail to protect us from feeling hurt, and 2) they are costly. In my example, not speaking up in groups didn’t result in never feeling ashamed. From time to time, I still felt ashamed despite this strategy. In fact, in some instances, I felt ashamed for not speaking up. Furthermore, not speaking up was a costly strategy, especially as I started my professional career as a software engineer where I was expected to contribute to problem-solving conversations in meetings. All protective strategies and defenses are well-intended. However, they also have negative unintended side-effects that are limiting and sabotaging.