The second memory system is known as Expository Memory. This is the system we engage when “thinking about things.” Our critical conversations, conflict-management, problem-solving, and decision-making are operated through this second cognitively based system. Scott’s Trigger is activated not through the Procedural Memory system but instead through the Expository Memory system. This is the clever strategy employed by Scott. He is linking a conscious Expository act (trigger) to an unconsciously held Procedural unit of memory (habit).
Scott specifically recommends that the conscious act of triggering be linked to another set of non-cognitive functions, these being the five senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, or taste). These act as a reminder to complete a specific action. Much like an alarm set on a clock or cell phone, the sensory link can remind us of a specific habit. For instance, as a micro-coach, we can help our client identify a specific location that reminds them of a specific habit they need to engage. For instance, it might be when entering our den, that we remember to do some box-breathing. We could instead engage the sense of taste. Every time we take a swallow of orange juice, we are reminded that we should also take our pills—and wash them down with the OJ.
While some of the triggers we can engage are external in origin (the proverbial alarm clock), they can also be internal. We learn to engage a specific habit (such as taking a five-minute break from work at our computer) not just when our shoulder or back aches a bit (external trigger), but also when we are feeling a bit depressed (internal trigger). Scott offers an important point: “It’s important to understand the difference between these two triggers—not only because it’ll help you build powerful habit stacks, but also because it will help you overcome bad habits that might be limiting your personal growth.”
It is all back to the matter of rewards we give ourselves in place of embracing new behaviors when we are threatened. We engage psychological retribution, or we seek out a dopamine rush to counter the painful adrenaline rush that comes with the fight/flight threat. We are threatened with the challenge of making too big a change in behavior, or we are rewarded by embracing and frequently enacting a stack of small, positive habits. The Interlude that we establish and the micro-coaching tactics we deploy can make all the differences.
Changing One’s Relationship with Another Person: the Bid
John Gottman (2015, p. 88) offers an observation about the valuable role played by specific micro-actions taken by people when they wish to sustain a relationship with another person. He bases his recommendation on extensive work with couples:
“Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.”
Gottman’s notion about offering a “bid” is quite insightful—and relevant to all relationships. Gottman (2015, p. 88) described the bid in more detail:
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