“Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to tum toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, ‘Are we out of butter?’ and you answer, ‘I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,’ instead of shrugging pathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all of these instances, partners are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away.”
At a more fundamental level, this process of bidding seems to be founded on what Gottman (2015, p. 21) identifies as the Deep Friendship that is to be found in most happy, enduring relationships:
“By this [‘deep friendship’] I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These [happy] couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures [bids] day in and day out.”
The deep friendship can yield many Caring Interludes during which bids can be offered and enjoyed.
Arlene and Kevin
I found ample evidence for Gottman’s observations and recommendations in the study of couples that I conducted over several decades with students in my graduate school. A report on this study was presented in my book called Love Lingers Here (Bergquist, 2023). One of the couples we interviewed, Arlene and Kevin, spoke, like many enduring couples, of being each other’s best friend. After going through several difficult years of struggle, Arlene and Kevin now look forward to “simply palling around together.” A typical day for these two people usually centers around work and school. They both get up early to commute to their jobs. Neither of them is a morning person, so they don’t talk for the first hour or so. They make up for the lack of nonverbal communication by spending half an hour or so in bed each morning just snuggling and cuddling. They are offering each other Gottman’s “bid.”
To ensure that they also have time for each other, designate each Friday as “date night.” A big evening of “bids.” They take turns planning activities for the evening, which usually include dinner of some sort, and a movie or a walk along the beach. During the past few years, Arlene has come around to Kevin’s way of thinking. Now, they both consider themselves to be “romantics at heart.” Kevin has also come around to Arlene’s way of thinking—they realize that sometimes romance needs to be helped along with a little planning when two people have full lives.
Kevin and Arlene see date night as their special time together and reserve the night just for themselves. The weekends are usually spent with a handful of their closest friends. They both like to entertain, so it’s not unusual for them to have friends over for pizza and a game. It can be very disillusioning for a couple when romance has left the relationship. Arlene and Kevin seem to understand the importance that romance plays in a healthy relationship. They have been very thoughtful and active in ensuring that this element is nurtured.
Gene and Margie
Another of the couples we interviewed makes a point of having coffee together each morning before he leaves for work. Margie then takes their daughter to childcare and usually picks her up after work, though there is flexibility when her schedule changes temporarily. They both have long commutes, so dinner is not elaborate. They are both devoted to their daughter and spend time with her in the evening before going to bed around 9:30 pm. In such a busy life, there is little time for elaborate ritual or even so-called “quality time” together, for the quality time is spent with their young daughter.
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