A small ritual (coffee together in the morning) soon is invested with considerable significance as the one act that is shared by Gene and Maggie virtually every morning. Even Gene and Margie may not be aware of the significance of this one shared act in their busy, independent lives. The meaning of this small, daily ritual may only become apparent when they discuss it with an interviewer. Alternatively, its importance may only become apparent when one partner abandons it for some reason. Then all hell breaks loose. Both partners are likely to be surprised by the emotions attached to the ritual. There often is a pressing need to restore this simple daily event or risk losing the relationship!
I have found in my own coaching over the years that the identification of Caring Interludes and Bids is important when not just working with couples who are intimate with one another, but also with men and women who are working together each day (often spending more time together than each does with their own lifetime partner). While I did not know about Gottman’s bids until writing my book on couples, I somehow knew intuitively that small micro-acts help to preserve and enrich relationships. Like Gene and Margie, it might be a couple of coffees shared at the start of a workday, or the delivery of this cup of coffee each morning by one worker to another. This is a bid from one employee to another employee or a bid that is shared.
There are also workplace bids that resemble those engaged by Arlene and Kevin. While they might not be designated as “date nights,” two co-workers might create an Interlude, spending a half-hour or hour together once a week after work, having a soft drink or beer together at a nearby restaurant or pub. The bid can be “picking up the check,” or offering a salute (wish of good health) to the other person by raising the glass of beer or soft drink. I often find people whom I coach coming to awareness regarding the importance of a bid they share with a colleague at work. They find a moment (Interlude) during the day to share a word of appreciation upon completion of a task. They might bring out balloons and even a bit of cheering with other co-workers when a major project is completed. While this appreciation and celebration might simply be considered the “right” thing to do, it is often valuable in a coaching session to consider the impact of these Caring Interludes and small and large bids on not just the high-quality relationship that is created and maintained, but also the ways this quality helps to produce greater workplace productivity.
Changing the Level of Enjoyment in One’s Life: Micro-Flow
Many years ago, Mihali Csikszentmihalyi, an astute observer of human behavior, proposed that all humans are motivated by finding a balance (a threshold) between anxiety on the one hand, and boredom on the other hand. We can also see and feel the impact of Energy when we are engaged in activities that reside in the threshold between anxiety (overwhelming challenge) and boredom (lack of challenge). This threshold, called Flow, often operates as an Interlude that sets the stage for a highly effective use of energy.
The threshold of Flow is also the threshold of learning (between demand for accommodation/challenge) and demand for assimilation (support). Csikszentmihalyi (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990) suggests that it can be found in conjunction with many life activities, ranging from climbing a mountain to dancing at a disco or solving a complex engineering problem. Csikszentmihalyi also points to much smaller micro-flows that occur throughout our daily lives. A micro-flow might occur when finding the right piece to fill a space in a puzzle, determining the best angle for preparing a still-life floral painting, or discovering the best word to complete the sentence in an essay you are authoring.
We can help our client identify Interludes of Flow and gratifying micro-flows in their own life. What small challenges do they take on that provide some challenge, but also frequent gratification? Could it be the checking off of completed tasks at the end of a day at the office? Perhaps it is downloading a new app that can make daily planning of tasks a bit easier. Might it be the crossword or jigsaw puzzle they work on at home after a stressful day at the office? Might it instead be the poem they are seeking to craft during breaks in their workday? Perhaps micro-flow is found in needlepoint, crochet, or weaving, which they enjoy every weekend. Or the tinkering they do on their old Chevy in the garage, for which they set aside special time on Sunday afternoon. The key point is that this activity provides some challenge and some prospect of success. Furthermore, as a micro-flow, it requires a minimal diversion from one’s daily operations—just a moment or a couple of hours of micro-flow, without having to leave home or leave work. This micro-flow activity might not even be considered an “important” part of one’s life. It might take a coaching session to reveal that this activity is actually quite important in the life of one’s client.
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