OTHER SKILLS TO CONSIDER
I expect you already incorporate, in your practices, a range of methods to facilitate client self- determination and that demonstrate listening and empathy. Below I have listed a few ways that work especially well and better than those referred to above. These may be ones you also use, and I look forward to hearing from readers who will share theirs, too.
Early in the contracting phase, by way of co-creating our relationship, I ask clients how they best experience empathy and good listening. Clients typically respond with a range of insightful responses, and accordingly, I take direction from them. I invite clients to let me know if, at any time, they are not feeling I am being present. During our engagement I ask, at times, if the client feels heard and that I am understanding what they are experiencing. I ask what I might do differently.
Occasionally, between sessions, I send articles and memes relevant to what the client is working on or going through. Gestures such as these, that demonstrate listening and empathy, also serve of course, to build rapport, trust and increase connectedness that make the coaching conversation even more effective.
Besides increased silence and somatic communications (which I cannot emphasize enough as ways of showing we are listening and caring), other helpful ways that also support self-determination and self-awareness include asking questions that tap into clients’ brains and hearts instead of ours. This may, for instance, mean asking clients what their intuition is telling them, and inquiring what they are hearing themselves express. I sometimes ask clients what they are not sharing (or may be reluctant to share); I question what their body would say – if it could talk- about how the client is doing; I ask them to identify the emotions, (values, needs) that are coming up for them. I might ask them “what’s most important to you that you want to ensure I hear about what you are experiencing?” I may inquire “what three words describe the impact of this situation on you?” A few other powerful questions include “what am I not asking you?” “what don’t you know here?” and “what’s the question that you fear l might ask?”. I could go on.
SUMMARY
I imagine and accept that not all readers will agree with or like my findings about the use of summarizing, paraphrasing, and reframing. The reality is there are many ways to show empathy and listening and to support our clients’ coaching journeys. I have found clients feel heard without me using these skills; they find their voice and express their words; they use their brains and hearts; they experience compassion and empathy; they gain deep insights and new perspectives; and they reach their goals.
Cinnie Noble is a former lawyer with a Master of Law in Dispute Resolution. She is a Chartered Mediator and Professional Certified Coach and in 1999, developed the evidence-based CINERGY model of Conflict management Coaching. Cinnie is the author of 2 coaching books: Conflict Mastery Coaching: Questions to Guide You and Conflict Management Coaching: The CINERGY Model
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Ed Modell
January 10, 2023 at 11:18 am
Cinnie-I completely agree with you. I try hard not to use those General and broad coaching skills.
What I often do with clients is to point out a specific word or phrase they have used that I believe is significant and then ask them to say more about it. I also point out when the tone of their voice has changed that they are more excited about one thing than another. I ask whether or not that resonates Athena and whether they are aware of it.
Ed
Cinnie Noble
January 11, 2023 at 8:50 pm
Hi Ed – I am not surprised that you would limit the amount you intervene in the client’s process of self discovery! Thank you for weighing in.
Cinnie
January 12, 2023 at 9:20 pm
Hi Ed- thank you for weighing on this – and I agree noticing changes in body language, tone of voice, facial changes- they are all important to raise.
Chichi
January 10, 2023 at 1:13 pm
Hi Cinnie.
Thanks for the reticle. I resonate with what you have shared and sincerely believe that, those principle are are guideline that may not be contextually for at the time or for the person being coached. Being present for me lap implies understanding the Coaching Client’s preferences and hearing their nuances without being invasive, domineering or condescending.
Kevin Weitz
January 10, 2023 at 3:36 pm
I agree with your research results and interpretations Cinnie. My personal experience with this topic is my working relationship with a “big 3” consulting firm some years ago. After some weeks into the project (a large utility), the client leaders reacted to the frequent comment from the Big 3 consultants – “Help Me Understand”. While the intent was valid (I need to explore that my understanding is correct), the phrase appeared orchestrated and artificial. Given that the project was intense and stressful for many client leaders, this phrase became an irritant and a barrier to effective partnership with the consulting group. My coaching advice to these consultants was to be less orchestrated and more conversational with their client partners.
Cinnie Noble
January 11, 2023 at 8:56 pm
Oh yes, Kevin. I didn’t include all the comments that people in the study made but many stated emphatically a dislike for statements like “help me understand” , “how does that make you feel?” “So, what you are saying…” (one person said something like ” As soon as I hear the word “so” I cringe waiting for the interpretation that I don’t need or want to hear!”
Cinnie Noble
January 11, 2023 at 8:52 pm
I really like what you said here Chichi – about hearing the clients’ “nuances without being invasive, domineering or condescending”
Veronique Eberhart
April 26, 2023 at 5:52 pm
Very interesting article and comments. I believe that beyond the use of particular stereotypical words and expressions, the real crux of the issue for a client is the feeling to be part of a generic system that follows unchanging steps – like a recipe. It does nothing to foster trust and vulnerability.
Nevertheless, those expressions can be useful when they are warranted and part of the normal flow of the conversation. The example of neurodivergent people is absolutely spot on. In one case, I would repeat verbatim what the client had just said over and over again… to his utter dismay and vigorous claims that I was ‘twisting his words’. I knew that he had a neurodivergent diagnostic, and cutting through his mind chatter was a completely different ball game. So, yes, there was a lot of ‘what do you mean when you say…’ or ‘What I heard is…’ etc…
Cinnie
June 17, 2023 at 9:46 pm
Thank you Veronique. I appreciate your comments here.
whoiscall
June 26, 2023 at 9:41 am
Great post!
Cinnie Noble
August 22, 2023 at 9:15 am
Thank you whoiscall :)
JosephDr
June 26, 2023 at 1:34 pm
Cinnie, An interesting perspective. My question: if not these means done skillfully, naturally, and with right understanding, then what?
Joseph
June 26, 2023 at 2:56 pm
Cinnie, if not these communications approaches applied naturally and skillfully, then what is the alternative?
Cinnie Noble
August 22, 2023 at 9:21 am
I find the alternatives are to ask the client more questions ( see the last part of my article for example), use silence that let clients find/use their words to describe their experiences and make observations of changes in tone, body language. I find that by trusting that the client can skillfully, naturally and with the right understanding identify their experiences etc. there is more insight and confidence gained.