COLLEAGUES’ VIEWS
While contemplating the above reactions to these skills during my research, I connected with other certified coaches, besides those who participated with me in the study, to obtain their input. Most said they have also questioned the effectiveness of these competencies as a demonstration of coaching excellence. Their various reflections included that they do not think these skills necessarily support the concepts of self-determination and self-actualization, adult learning principles and the philosophy that clients are creative, resourceful and whole. Other peers expressed that using these skills means we are doing the clients’ work i.e., by using our instincts and voice rather than facilitating or trusting our clients’ ability to do so.
I concluded that the findings of my research were not specific to conflict management coaching, and this inspired me to rethink the use of these skills in general and to consider when and how to use them.
CAVEAT
Though most people in the research voiced their dislike for the skills being discussed there were some who said they did not mind their use, and that they experienced them as what the coaches are supposed to do.
I will add – although I do not routinely incorporate the above-mentioned skills in my coaching practice there are times I do. With some neurodiverse clients and people who are highly emotional and those who are challenged in their efforts to process their experiences for instance, it is often important to focus the coaching conversation and use skills such as reframing, summarizing and paraphrasing to do so.
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Ed Modell
January 10, 2023 at 11:18 am
Cinnie-I completely agree with you. I try hard not to use those General and broad coaching skills.
What I often do with clients is to point out a specific word or phrase they have used that I believe is significant and then ask them to say more about it. I also point out when the tone of their voice has changed that they are more excited about one thing than another. I ask whether or not that resonates Athena and whether they are aware of it.
Ed
Cinnie Noble
January 11, 2023 at 8:50 pm
Hi Ed – I am not surprised that you would limit the amount you intervene in the client’s process of self discovery! Thank you for weighing in.
Cinnie
January 12, 2023 at 9:20 pm
Hi Ed- thank you for weighing on this – and I agree noticing changes in body language, tone of voice, facial changes- they are all important to raise.
Chichi
January 10, 2023 at 1:13 pm
Hi Cinnie.
Thanks for the reticle. I resonate with what you have shared and sincerely believe that, those principle are are guideline that may not be contextually for at the time or for the person being coached. Being present for me lap implies understanding the Coaching Client’s preferences and hearing their nuances without being invasive, domineering or condescending.
Kevin Weitz
January 10, 2023 at 3:36 pm
I agree with your research results and interpretations Cinnie. My personal experience with this topic is my working relationship with a “big 3” consulting firm some years ago. After some weeks into the project (a large utility), the client leaders reacted to the frequent comment from the Big 3 consultants – “Help Me Understand”. While the intent was valid (I need to explore that my understanding is correct), the phrase appeared orchestrated and artificial. Given that the project was intense and stressful for many client leaders, this phrase became an irritant and a barrier to effective partnership with the consulting group. My coaching advice to these consultants was to be less orchestrated and more conversational with their client partners.
Cinnie Noble
January 11, 2023 at 8:56 pm
Oh yes, Kevin. I didn’t include all the comments that people in the study made but many stated emphatically a dislike for statements like “help me understand” , “how does that make you feel?” “So, what you are saying…” (one person said something like ” As soon as I hear the word “so” I cringe waiting for the interpretation that I don’t need or want to hear!”
Cinnie Noble
January 11, 2023 at 8:52 pm
I really like what you said here Chichi – about hearing the clients’ “nuances without being invasive, domineering or condescending”
Veronique Eberhart
April 26, 2023 at 5:52 pm
Very interesting article and comments. I believe that beyond the use of particular stereotypical words and expressions, the real crux of the issue for a client is the feeling to be part of a generic system that follows unchanging steps – like a recipe. It does nothing to foster trust and vulnerability.
Nevertheless, those expressions can be useful when they are warranted and part of the normal flow of the conversation. The example of neurodivergent people is absolutely spot on. In one case, I would repeat verbatim what the client had just said over and over again… to his utter dismay and vigorous claims that I was ‘twisting his words’. I knew that he had a neurodivergent diagnostic, and cutting through his mind chatter was a completely different ball game. So, yes, there was a lot of ‘what do you mean when you say…’ or ‘What I heard is…’ etc…
Cinnie
June 17, 2023 at 9:46 pm
Thank you Veronique. I appreciate your comments here.
whoiscall
June 26, 2023 at 9:41 am
Great post!
Cinnie Noble
August 22, 2023 at 9:15 am
Thank you whoiscall :)
JosephDr
June 26, 2023 at 1:34 pm
Cinnie, An interesting perspective. My question: if not these means done skillfully, naturally, and with right understanding, then what?
Joseph
June 26, 2023 at 2:56 pm
Cinnie, if not these communications approaches applied naturally and skillfully, then what is the alternative?
Cinnie Noble
August 22, 2023 at 9:21 am
I find the alternatives are to ask the client more questions ( see the last part of my article for example), use silence that let clients find/use their words to describe their experiences and make observations of changes in tone, body language. I find that by trusting that the client can skillfully, naturally and with the right understanding identify their experiences etc. there is more insight and confidence gained.