First, he asked if she wanted a divorce and eventually began to talk with her about their interaction and the lack of communication which brought them to this impasse. Both of them indicated that this was a major breakthrough in their ability to communicate. They both acknowledged that they were in trouble as a couple — a key ingredient in any successful remarriage – and that they both needed to change their behavior if the relationship was to survive. This acceptance of change is a second key ingredient.
Alice and Fred identify a period of time in their marriage that they label the “crying baby” episode as an example of their own remarriage. Alice describes this incident:
My second baby, all she did was cry. I would breast feed her and she would cry. We later found out she had severe colic. We were doing a major remodel of the whole house at this time. As you can see, we’re still remodeling. It’s been three years of it. But at that time, we had bare walls. I’d be up walking the baby all night and remodeling took place all day. The stress level became extreme. Plus, Fred couldn’t get much sleep but still had to go to work each day. I became very abusive, both verbally and physically, especially toward the oldest daughter, Suzanne, who was four at the time. And then the hormones kicked in from Post Menstrual Syndrome. The thing that saved it is Fred never went into a fight or power struggle.
As is often the case with remarriages, the primary problem confronted by Alice and Fred, that is the crying baby, was exacerbated by the impact of other stressors that are either independent of or related to the primary stressor. This would include the remodeling of the house, concerns about the potential impact of loss of sleep on Fred’s job performances and Alice’s abusive behavior. Typically, the crisis in a relationship which brings about a remarriage is not caused by one, isolated stressor, but rather by the simultaneous impact or close interrelationship between a variety of different stressors that impact on the different domains (what we will call the “plates”) of a couple’s life.
Even more importantly, it is not so much the individual event, or even a series of events, that defines the critical stages of a relationship, but rather the interpretation that is placed on their events — or more accurately the stories that are told about these events. In the case of Alice and Fred, the period of tending the colicky crying baby passed. As Alice noted, her daughter “then became a happy child.” But the long-term ramifications of the event — the guilt and sadness that comes from how they treated each other during the incident — are still being carried by the parents. Alice stated it this way: “ever since (our baby was crying so much) we’ve related worse. The harmony was destroyed.”
Fred indicated that he responded to this multiple-level crisis in his life with Alice by “walking away” when his life at home got too tense. Alice observed that she “got into a ‘box’ for four days until he would approach me and then we’d normalize.” Fred then cracks a joke: “The difference between PMS and a terrorist is you can negotiate with a terrorist.” Alice notes that “Fred is a well-grounded person and a stable anchor.” However, Alice went on to say that ever since this set of events (which happened two years ago):
the consideration for one another got damaged. . . . We are just now concentrating on ourselves again. I had to learn to let go. And stop pushing Fred to get done with the house. I put myself into a recovery program. A Twelve Step program . . . What is happening now is that Fred has had to learn to really hear me. And see value in what I have to say. I’m facing him with the whole truth. He has to accept that I’m changing and that’s hard for a spouse and threatening. He must be willing to let me change. He must be willing to grow with me.
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