This process of remarriage was highly visible in part because they worked out their new relationship in the midst of complex family dynamics. Dora’s family is upper middle class, WASPish and very traditional. They were able to accept Jim because he is a “nice guy” and hard-working. On the other hand, Jim’s family is more “ethnic” having come from another country. Jim has ten brothers and sisters, and his sisters especially took a dislike to Dora: “they would wait until Jim was out of the room and then they would attack me. I left the house in tears, many times.” Jim: “I kept asking you to stay away from them.” Dora: “I know, but I guess, coming from my background, I thought we should do ‘the family thing’ on holidays and such, but then they would isolate me and then rip me to shreds. My family had their difficulties with Jim, but they’re more underground.”
Thus, in the midst of their remarriage to one another, both Jim and Dora also had to redefine their relationship with parents and siblings. They both increasingly detached themselves from their families of origin and in doing so began to claim ownership for their own individual identities, independent of their family histories. Dora refused to adopt the old family pattern of helplessness and resentment. Instead, she went back to college and built on, rather than resented, Jim’s success. She also became more cognizant of imposing her own childhood fears onto Jim and now is creating a new relationship with Jim that is distinctive and nurturing:
Growing up, I always had a deep sense of aloneness. I thought that I would die alone. Yet, as close as Jim and I are, I don’t know about that anymore. In any case, I don’t have that feeling of aloneness any more with Jim. . . . Us together is different from me alone.
It is this sense of connectedness that has kept Jim and Dora together throughout the difficult process of remarriage. Rather than looking elsewhere for a new relationship, they both determined that it is better to work out a current relationship, with all its hardships. Dora puts it this way:
I am not looking to trade partners. I am not endlessly fascinated with other human beings. Why would I give up a deeply satisfying relationship for another face? I would rather spend my time with other things than to give up my center and go out looking for another human being. We are from the same light. I am convinced, after that first kiss. This is the best part. I have no desire for that alone feeling.
Jim and Dora represent one end of the continuum. Their remarriage was highly visible, for it was precipitated by very public events — the birth of a baby, Dora’s fractured pelvis, moving to a new community, fights with their families, fights with one another. Furthermore, the resolution of their conflicts was also public: Dora’s return to school, moving to a new community, spending substantially less time with their parents and siblings. If we had interviewed members of their family and friends, they probably would have all agreed that Jim and Dora went through a major transition in their life together.
By contrast, Arlene and Kevin recently went through a much less dramatic remarriage that was probably no less meaningful for them than was Dora and Jim’s highly public remarriage. Arlene and Kevin knew that their relationship was in trouble. As a result, they took a trip to an oceanside town near the city where they live. This trip gave them an opportunity to refocus their lives. They both recall sitting by the fire in their room overlooking the ocean and talking for hours about their relationship and their future together. They describe it as a great experience that they don’t usually have the opportunity to take, because of their hectic lifestyles. Like many couples undergoing a remarriage, Kevin and Arlene found a sanctuary in which to work on their relationship. For them, the sanctuary was a seaside inn. For others, the sanctuary is a supportive marital counselor, a week alone at home (with all the cellphones shut off), or a marriage enrichment weekend.
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