Conclusions: Staying the Course
The most important common ingredient in successful remarriages appears to be a commitment to working within the relationship rather than outside it. The participants might act like clowns at times–but they are determined to make their relationship work. It is very tempting to simply leave the relationship and to either go it alone for a while. Or attention can shift to another relationship. We can either have a secret (or not so secret) affair while continuing with our current relationship or choose to separate from the current partner in order to begin building the new relationship. Our divorce lawyer, David Bulitt, tells us what it is like to choose divorce. The secret affair is no less painful—even if only one member of the couple is aware of (and living with) the betrayal
Glenda and Roy had been married for five years when their relationship began to fall apart. The symptoms are quite common in not only our interviews but in also many books about couples, as well as novels, movies and television soap operas. Roy was no longer spending much of his free time with Glenda. Instead, he was opting out for his male friends. Glenda felt like she was being “taken for granted and unappreciated.” When she tried to get Roy to spend more evenings at home, he resented her interference and didn’t want Glenda “telling me what to do.” As a result, they began to drift apart, they fought “about everything”, and could not get down to the real issues.
At this point, Roy and Glenda were at a choice point. Do they attempt a remarriage or shift their attention to other relationships? Glenda chose the latter course. She had an affair and, in essence, challenged Roy to catch and confront her. As in the case of many couples, Glenda and Roy tried to restore their marriage by having a child. This didn’t help. Childbirth only exacerbated the problems. Yet, indirectly, their child did draw them to a different choice point. They decided to work on their marriage. Roy admitted that he knew of Glenda’s affair and acknowledged his own role in bringing about this situation. Furthermore, he recognized that he was committed to his relationship with Glenda because he was not willing to “let someone else raise my child.”
So, they got to work on their relationship. First, they became more open with one another regarding the influences of external factors on their marriage. For instance, since Roy was an only son, there had been extensive interference by his mother. Glenda began to openly discuss this issue for the first time with Roy and found that he was willing to confront his mother regarding her behavior. Both Roy and Glenda also sought individual help during this remarriage process and discovered how their past histories were influencing their current relationship. They broke up some of the games that they played with each other, and they began to make more decisions together.
Their remarriage seems to have worked. Their sexual relationship has begun to blossom as never before. Furthermore, neither Roy nor Glenda is now willing to “give up what we have and go through all of that again with someone else.” Thus, they have come to recognize the value of a central ingredient in successful remarriages: a commitment to the relationship and an unwillingness to be distracted from this relationship by either partner having an affair with another person. They choose to stay the course!
Key Chapter Points
Enduring couples:
- Make conscious choices to work at preserving the relationship when enmeshed in trouble and chaos.
- Move through period of relative stability and considerable contentment followed by periods of significant stress and disillusionment resulting in profound changes in the structure or goals of the relations—remarriage.
- Experience at least one remarriage during the life of their relationship, either of a public or private nature.
- Believe consciously or unconsciously that their partner is capable of and willing to undergo the stress of a remarriage.
- Demonstrate a willingness to risk the relationship in order to improve it.
- Are committed to working within the relationship rather than outside of it.
- Find that restructuring the relationship with compromise and concessions results in a revitalization of their relationship.
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