Perspective of the Therapist
At this point I wish to introduce Julie and Daivd Bulitt who are two of the guides I bring to this journey through the lives of long-term couples I first invite Julie Bulitt to this conversation about remarriage. Julie conducts therapy sessions with couples. She seems to agree with our movie historian—there are remarriage dynamics at play with many of the couples she is seeing in her office. Julie Bulitt has written a book with her husband, David Bulitt (a divorce lawyer). They are focusing on the core conversations in which couples should be engaged (Bulitt and Bulitt, 2020).
Julie offers suggestions, based on her work as a couple therapist, that speaks to this remarriage dynamic and to the need for sustained renewal of the couple’s relationships. She engages a metaphor regarding the building of a structure as applied to building a relationship (Bullitt and Bullit, 2020, p. 2):
The work doesn’t end once you have poured the concrete and put up the pillars. Building your relationship infrastructure doesn’t answer the question: The foundation is sound, but will the two of you stay grounded? When your building first opened, it was spectacular and beautiful; it seemed solid. The ribbon cutting was a success, people came and raised their glasses and offered up toasts to the lovely couple. But what if the floors aren’t kept clean? The plumbing and air conditioning aren’t serviced? Filters aren’t changed, leaks aren’t fixed, and walls aren’t repainted? We all know the answer; the structure starts to fail and break down. Years later the shine is off and in many cases the building begins to tear down, leaving nothing but a remnant of the past.
I would move beyond Julie Bulitt in suggesting that the upkeep and repair often requires an occasional (or even frequent) rearrangement of the marriage. New roles must be assigned: who will repair the “filters” in our relationship and who will do the “repainting” of the way we interact with one another? What if major structural changes are needed. We can abandon this crumbling building (get a divorce) or decide to extensively repair or even rebuild the fundamental structure of our relationship. Remarriage is required!
Julie Bulitt offers the following description regarding how the need for a remarriage is often exhibited during her sessions with couples—and is an incentive (even if not acknowledged) for a couple to seek out a couple therapist (Bulitt and Bulitt, 2020, p. 2):
Many couples have come to me over the years, their relationship in a similar state of disrepair. One or both partners feel isolated, underappreciated, and often lonely. They have not spent the time needed to keep their relationship intact, and as a result, it has become unfulfilling and empty.
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