I would add to what Gottman has observed by suggesting that the success of the repair and of remarriages resides ultimately in the movement of a relationship as I will note later in this book to the performance stage. The relationship will endure as the friendship endures—and the friendship requires the ability of a couple to successfully address their conflict and their ability to establish appropriate norms and shared important values and life purposes. This might, in turn, require what Gottman (2015, p. 5) identifies as emotional intelligence (EQ). Apparently, EQ is central to this ability of a couple to engage in the repair: “The more emotional intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their [enduring relationship]—the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after.” I will explore the matter of EQ latter in this book.
Perspective of a “Typical” Couple
I return to our interviews. How do most couples operate with regard to remarriage if they chose not to get divorced or get stuck in a dysfunctional relationship? One of our married couples spoke of periods of relative tranquility in their lives together and of periods of considerable stress and soul-searching. They were not alone in finding marriage to be a mixed bag. This couple — we will call them John and Evelyn — identified a ten-year period in their life together when they shared many interests in common. John and Evelyn both enjoyed horseback riding and other outdoor activities. During this period of time, their children were very young and (by mutual agreement) primarily the responsibility of Evelyn. John and Evelyn both worked but made relatively small amounts of money. They didn’t seem to need much money, however, for their mutual interests (and small children) kept them at home or pursuing inexpensive outdoor recreation.
By the end of this ten-year period, things had changed dramatically. John seriously injured his foot and was unable to ride horses any more without considerable pain. Both Evelyn and John assumed new jobs with increased responsibility and salary. The children were moving into junior and senior high school, requiring the attention of both parents in new ways. The family moved several thousand miles to a new home, leaving behind their family roots and strong small-town community ties. Within two years, John asked Evelyn for a trial separation.
During the following year, John and Evelyn lived apart, though saw each other on frequent occasions. They decided to move back together after this year long trial separation, and within a year had reestablished a supportive relationship. At the time when they were interviewed, John and Evelyn had decided to take a year off from their work so that they might live in a very different region of the United States, while both worked on projects of specific interest to each of them. The children were off to college, so this seemed like a perfect time for John and Evelyn to reestablish their old, pre-children rapport, while working out a new way of living together. During this year of intensive interaction, John and Evelyn established more open communication with one another, while pursuing their individual areas of interest in new and vigorous ways.
The Variety of Remarriages
In our interviews we found that remarriage takes many different forms, though there are certain common factors: a willingness to risk the relationship in order to make it work, a significant restructuring of the relationship with each party making some concessions and reframing the relationship in new terms, and a resultant revitalization of the relationship based on this new alignment.
David and Meryl exemplify the typical remarriage scenario. They had been married for twelve years and lived together a total of fifteen years when they were interviewed. Both of them are in their mid-thirties and they have two children, ages 2 and 12. Meryl indicates that she has always responded to David’s temper by refusing to communicate, i.e. “clamming up,” which was the strategy she also used around her stepfather when she was younger.
For David, anger took the form of verbal outbursts and Meryl was unable to believe that anyone who loved another was capable of treating them in such a manner. When faced with the wall of silence, David felt frustrated and unwilling to even try to change what was going on, thereby totally shutting off any chance of communication or resolution of the conflict. Eventually (perhaps a week later), Meryl would explode and David “couldn’t see where her anger was coming from.”
This unsuccessful process of resolving conflicts is a typical ingredient in most remarriages. For Meryl and David these unresolved conflicts culminated in a remarriage four years ago. Meryl reached a point where she concluded that she couldn’t change David, so she had to determine if she was going to stay in the relationship. Like many couples, the break began in the bedroom. Meryl began sleeping on the couch, while David retreated to the bedroom and would have no contact with Meryl. Eventually, after six nights, David came out of the bedroom and began talking to Meryl.
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