Unfortunately, for some who have chosen this third option, there are societal pressures to move back to a “real job.” Some Autumnals are not able to earn as much as they did in the past, thus, they are subjected to self-doubt and the question posed around ‘maximising one’s potential’. For many others, the family is disappointed with them, as they seem to have abandoned the ‘title’ too soon. Many of our “third-option” colleagues indicate during coaching sessions that they often feel guilty about not going to work each day or about staying home and working on their book or some other creative project. They report that they shop for groceries during the day to avoid the crowds; yet they look around and find only “old” folks. One of our colleagues, Creighton, has been wrestling with several fundamental doubts during his coaching sessions. He recently commented:
“I always seem to be the only man around [in the grocery store] who is still able to work. Why am I hanging around the supermarket instead of being a responsible breadwinner? I know that this is irrational. I still make a good income. I still work very hard. And I really enjoy my work. . . . for the first time in many years. I have more control over my time. I can work at home. However, something is wrong. I seem to be out of sync with the people around me. It’s the wrong time or the wrong place or I am of the wrong gender?
Creighton’s life decisions don’t match societal expectations, and this is very disconcerting for him. So, what should we as women and men of Autumn do about these voices? Which option should we choose? If we respond right away, then we must confront a mismatch with societal expectations. If we defer our response until, we retire, then these voices might become impatient. We might end up being destructive to ourselves and the people we love. If we compromise and respond to only some of our voices, we may pick the wrong ones and incur the disapproval of society and the vengeance of other unacknowledged voices. What should we do? It is no wonder that we often hope these silly or threatening voices will go away. It is no wonder some developmental psychologists assign a term to this life stage: the “mid-life crisis”.
We have a fourth option as Autumnal women and men. We can fill our living rooms with activity again and hope that this activity will drown out the voices. Sadly, these activities never seem to be quite as enjoyable as they were when we were much younger. Most of us choose yet another option, at least on a temporary basis. We choose the fifth option: denial. … We discount the meaning inherent in these seemingly random events.
It would be a bit odd to say that the offer Samuel received to play in a rock and roll band or Dr. Jane’s opportunity to play in a basketball league come from sources of inner guidance and wisdom. Was the request by Ricardo’s wife that he do more cooking somehow “meant to be”? The spiritual master who spoke to Maria through her intuition– is this real? All this speculation sounds a bit spooky for most of us who are not true believers. To suggest that an event has inherent meaning and is somehow intended as a message to tell us something or guide us back to our earlier interests and dreams seems to be too much like the mumbo-jumbo of “new age” spirituality.
That is why we offer the scientific concept of “strange attractor.” This concept comes from chaos scientists. They are neither pop psychologists nor new age spirituality buffs. Rather they are serious researchers who try to make sense of our physical world. In doing so they have discovered that there are “strange attractors” everywhere. There is good reason to believe that this same process operates in the lives of Autumnal women and men. Events have meaning in our life not so much because of some greater power in life, though this could also be the case. Rather, events have meaning and power because certain small events tend at a place and time to link with and trigger other events. They trigger memories, interests, dreams and eventually actions.
These “strange attractor” events form a constellation or pattern that is compelling and that can serve as a guide for our own continuing generativity and the re-invention of our life. A rabbi we know talks about the “assemblage” of small, meaningful events and decisions in our lives. Taken together these events and decisions comprise a person’s “spiritual life.” He suggests that spirituality is not some big, powerful, isolated event. Rather it is constituted from a whole cluster of small events.
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