Through these unanticipated events, we bestow honor upon someone we greatly admire and respect, often expecting nothing in return. A lovely example is to be found in Jerry Herman’s hit Broadway play Hello Dolly (an adaptation of Thornton Wilder’s Matchmaker). The often-conniving heroine, Dolly Levy, is treated to a grand honor celebration when appearing at a restaurant where she had formerly been a frequent patron with her now dead husband. It is understandable why Herman and Wilder have been honored for their contributions to Broadway, since both successfully produced wonderful plays and musicals that poignantly illuminate the American character. But why the exuberant honoring of Dolly Levi? Was she a really big tipper or did she flirt with all of the waiters? Was this just a publicity stunt to draw other people to the restaurant (“my goodness, if Dolly Levi gets all of this attention, then maybe I should come here more often. She is certainly getting great service with singing and dancing added at no cost!!!”).
The key to honoring Dolly Levi, and the key to most honoring and perhaps most Generativity Three acts, is the great joy that comes from doing the honoring. As a professional coach, we can encourage our client to do some honoring precisely because of this benefit that accrues to themselves. It is not just Dolly Levi who benefits from the generative actions. The wait staff and chefs at her favorite restaurant also take great joy in leaping around and singing on her behalf. When we honor other people, we are also at least indirectly honoring ourselves. We are showing the honored person and often many other people that we are deeply caring people. We have baked a birthday cake that is greeted with great enthusiasm by everyone at the party. We write a poem or compose a song that praises our friend or colleague. It feels good to be creative or silly on behalf of someone else. We are offering something that is tangible and appreciated.
As we noted previously, Generativity Three is often about “paying it forward.” Now is a good time to say more about this motivator. “Paying it forward” exemplifies what behavioral economists call a social exchange (Ariely, 2008; Kahneman, 2011). While a market exchange involves some form of financial transaction or bartering of service, a social exchange involves the anticipation of reciprocity. This distinction between market and social exchange is very important for a professional coach to convey when their client is exploring the generative act of honoring as well as the more general nature of interpersonal relationships in their life.
What then is the difference between social and market exchange in our daily life? The classic example takes place during a special occasion. We are invited to our sister’s home for our brother-in-law’s birthday. An elaborate dinner will be prepared by our sister, and we can anticipate a special evening filled with sincere words and funny stories. We bring a small (“hostess”) gift and a couple of bottles of wine to the party. These offerings are expected. They are based on deeply embedded social norms. This is social exchange in action.
We could instead bring nothing, since there is no formal contract indicating what we should bring and how much our offerings should cost. Unfortunately, if we brought nothing, our sister and brother-in-law would be offended. They might not say anything, but we should expect a frosty reception at the next family gathering. Or we could be practical and give our sister cash that is equivalent to the cost of a hostess gift and some wine. That would make our participation in this honorific event a market exchange rather than a social exchange.
This act would probably be even more offensive than if we brought nothing. We have violated the social exchange norm. Our sister would probably wonder what she has done wrong to deserve such an inappropriate and “ugly” offer of cash. “Does my brother think we are broke and need a hand-out?” “Can’t he even spend the time to find one lousy gift and a good bottle of wine to go with the meal? After all, I spent all this time cooking the meal that he and his wife are about to eat!”
