Overcoming the compulsion to cheat and lie
Given these cautionary notes, we can offer several important strategies that are each based in a fundament question. First, do I tell the truth to someone? I have invested considerable energy in keeping everything “under wraps.” Now what do I do? Should I tell the truth to anyone other than the priest or coach? We might find it reasonable to do the confessional in a step-by-step fashion. We begin by telling someone who is our confidant regarding other matters or someone who is either quite forgiving regarding these kind of matters (perhaps because they are something of a cheater themselves) or has little invested in (is not harmed by) this act of cheating. After this “dress rehearsal” we might tell someone who is invested but is forgiving or at least understanding. This person could also offer advice regarding how best to approach the person (or people) who have been most harmed by the cheat.
While we have focused on the personal level of cheating, a similar stage-based approach might be taken in an organizational setting. We first talk with those from other organizations with whom we have established a trusting relationship and with members of the media who have always been “our friends” when it comes to holding back damaging information until it has been carefully framed. We are not only using this initial contact as a “dress rehearsal” but also asking these folks who are “on our side” to offer advice regarding how to contact those who have been hurt as well as the more general public (via multiple media sources). What we do know is that organizations (and particularly corporations) are more likely to survive a cheat when it is shared openly and when a genuine apology is offered. The cheating that is hidden, denied and never accompanied by an apology is inevitably the most damaging when it is discovered.
The Second question to ask is perhaps the most obvious and most difficult to answer. Do I quit violating the norm? To what extent do I quite cheating? How honest do I become? As we have already noted, the partial withdrawal from any addictive behavior is hard to sustain. On the other hand, it is very hard to abandon this behavior all together. This is certainly the case with cheating. Can we find a way to “try out” not cheating? Do we find an alternative way to deal with a difficult situation other than taking the usual way out by lying? While we can try to avoid difficult situations, this is usually unrealistic? It is more likely that the difficult situations will occur again. We have to learn how to deal with them in a more constructive manner. This where a coach or close, wise friend can be of great value. We meet with them to identify alternative behaviors.
A third question must be asked of the cheater and purposeful liar. What is the cost associated with the alternative behavior? Sometimes being honest is quite costly—especially when someone has grown accustomed to our lies. They might prefer our flattery to realistic appraisals of their appearance or behavior. Vague promises might be welcomed when the alternative is a stark and perhaps quite negative prediction regarding the outcomes of a specific decision or action.
As the behavioral economists have taught us, it is much more rewarding to dream of positive outcomes then of negative outcomes. We must be diligent in engaging not just after-the-fact (‘postmortem”) reflections on the outcomes of actions taken, but also in “premortem” assessments of both positive and negative outcomes of a risky action such as disclosure of cheating behavior (Kahneman, 2011: Bergquist 2014).
We must prepare for the bad as well as the good. Yes, someone might let us know that they “appreciate” our candor or are “relieved” to know what is really going on and how we really feel. However, they might instead be profoundly disappointed, quite angry and absolutely unforgiving with regard to what we have done – and even the act of disclosing to them that which we have done. It is better for some people to not know what is going on. Reality for them might “suck!”—especially when it is being conveyed by someone they trust (and might even love). This where “dress rehearsal” is of great value—especially when negative outcomes are played out and subsequent responses by the discloser are identified and tested out.
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