Avoiding Interpersonal Conflict
Our ways of engaging in conflict depend on many factors, and we
choose a variety of methods—consciously or not—that help us find
our way through it. Some variables influencing how we react and
interact include our relationship with the other person, our history
with them, the timing, and our mood at the time. Determinants also
include the degree of offense we are experiencing, what is at stake if
we avoid or do not avoid the situation, the emotional impact of the
dispute on each of us and others, and what we are feeling in the moment
about our lives.
Many of us have a conflict management style that has not worked
well for us but becomes our default approach when we are under
stress. That is, even when we learn constructive ways of being in
conflict, we may at times rely on time-worn habits that have proven—
from past experiences—to serve us poorly. It seems that overcoming
the common tendency to avoid can be a challenge for many of us.
Avoiding conflict is somewhat akin to fleeing—one of the three
common responses to provocation. Like fighting and freezing, avoiding
or fleeing is one choice we have when faced with conflict, and
sometimes it works as the optimal approach. Other times, we avoid
conflict to our detriment. There are possible advantages and disadvantages
in all decisions we make about whether to step up to
dissension we are experiencing. The thing is, one of the results of
avoiding conflict is that it leads to a void that is often filled with continuing
feelings of confusion and upset.
We may know intellectually that the potential for resolving the
issues, gaining a better understanding of what is happening, reconciling
the relationship, and improving communications exists if we face
the conflict. The unknown and lack of certainty, however, often create
unsettling feelings, and we choose avoidance. For instance, we may
fear the relationship will suffer, that we will lose control, or that our
hopes and needs will not be met. We may worry, too, about a range
of other possible repercussions, such as harsh words, hostility, ongoing
negativity, and alienation, and that emotions will take over such
that nothing will be reconciled. We may avoid also because we are
overwhelmed and just want to get away from the tension.
