The Platinum Moment of Choice in Conflict
As just discussed, it is common that at times we are reticent to initiate
a dialogue about things that have the potential for leading to conflict,
or escalating existing discord. Apprehensions may include possible
retaliation, encountering some sort of confrontational reaction, becoming
more upset, chancing a threat to the relationship, or the fear
that nothing positive will come from raising the matter or matters.
We may know that suppressing our feelings as a consequence of
not dealing with interpersonal conflict has an adverse impact on our
physical and emotional health. We may realize, too, from experience,
that unresolved thoughts and feelings often erupt somewhere else.
For instance, they may continually emerge in repeated negative interactions
with the same person or others, and can be just as, or even
more, unsettling.
The fact is, we have choices about how to manage ourselves and
our reactions when conflict presents itself, and considering what they
are at these times is an indicator of conflict intelligence. Other indicators
include being clear on what we intend to accomplish if we proceed,
contemplating what is important to us and the other person, determining
the optimal timing, and preparing effective ways to communicate.
What this means, essentially, is that we have a choice as to when
and how we initiate a conversation about perceived dissension—with
the goal of short-circuiting unnecessary conflict. These moments are
referred to here as “platinum moments of choice,” and there are many
possibilities. For instance, we have a choice about how to facilitate a
thoughtful and conciliatory discussion about what is happening. We
have a choice not to demonize the person or ourselves. We have
choices about how we want to be in our conflict interactions. And we
have a choice, upon reflection, to decide that it is not appropriate for
us to say or do anything. (In Chapter 3, this aspect is explored in the
topic Choices About Responding When in Conflict.)
