Freezing
What does freezing mean in the context of conflict? Freezing is one
reaction to being provoked during a conflict—fighting and fleeing are
two other common responses. It has been suggested that freezing is
different from “being stuck” (see the topic Getting Unstuck When in
Conflict in Chapter 3). This suggestion is based on the notion that
being stuck is a more transient state of being during conflict, whereas
freezing, as it is described here, is more like being unable to engage
at all when provoked. That is, freezing is immobilizing.
Freezing may be a reaction to conflict that reflects helplessness and
powerlessness to know what to say or do. It may be a fear response,
a shutdown of our usual skills and ability to process information and
emotions, or both. It may be a matter of becoming cold internally or
toward the other person (or both) as a way to stave off tension and
the depth of our emotions.
These and other ways in which freezing affects us have a huge
impact on the course our interpersonal conflicts take and the outcomes.
In an effort to thaw out a freeze response, it helps to deconstruct what
is happening at the times when we freeze or the other person does
so. The following questions facilitate such a process.
QUESTIONS
• Try to imagine a conflict when you froze. How would you
describe what freezing was like?
• What specifically felt “frozen” for you?
• What impact did your freezing have on the other person?
How did freezing affect the specific conflict interaction?
• With what would you want to replace freezing in the
context of this conflict? What would be different about the
interaction if that occurred?
