Boundary Considerations in a Conflict Conversation
This topic is linked to the previous one—the intention-setting nature
of planning a conflict-related conversation. Boundary considerations
require giving even more thought to the approaches that will help
achieve your desired outcome, and more particularly, what you plan
to stay away from saying or doing. That is, as discussed in Chapter 1
and in the topic The Platinum Moment of Choice in Conflict in this
chapter, our reactions, attitudes, and manner are all choices we have.
Considering what not do or say—because it could cross a line for the
other person and derail the dialogue altogether—is therefore crucial.
We all have limits of tolerance—referred to here as “boundaries”—
regarding what constitutes acceptable ways of interacting. Sometimes
when others cross our boundaries, or we cross theirs, the result is a
breakdown of communications, negatively affecting the discussion,
including how to reconcile matters, if that is the objective (or part) of
the conversation. Even when we know there is a risk of crossing a
line, being well prepared to deliver difficult messages and effectively
receive and respond to the other person’s reaction remains a conflictmastery
objective. Much of the time, we are not aware of what may
push things too far, and this means striving as best we can to anticipate
and prepare for a range of possibilities.
The following questions invite you to consider the other person’s
possible limits of tolerance to be able to keep a pending conversation
on track, even if crossing a line is inevitable and necessary. (Reconsidering
the questions in Preparing to Initiate a Conflict Conversation
may help as you further explore the elements of effective conflict
conversations here.)
QUESTIONS
• When you consider the communication you are planning,
what might you say or do, based on your knowledge of the
other person, that may push her or him too far? If you do
not know (or cannot speculate possible answers), what sorts
of things might cross a boundary if you imagine yourself as
the other person in the conversation?
• What may that thing (or those things) say about what is
important to the other person that you want to consider in
the dialogue?
• What concerns do you have about what may happen if you
cross the other person’s boundary?
• What do you want to get out in the open that has some
boundary risks? How may you best present that (or those)?
• If the other person’s boundary is crossed, in what ways
might that help things? How might it hurt things?
• What will you do to handle matters—in conflict-masterful
ways—if the other person reacts strongly after experiencing
that you crossed her or his boundary?
• Regarding the conflict between you, what do you think the
other person might say or do in the conversation that
would cross your boundary or boundaries?
• How might you describe your boundary or boundaries
(from the previous question) in more detail? What does this
say about what is important to you?
• How might having your boundary crossed help things?
How might it hurt things?
• In what conflict-masterful ways might you respond if the
other person’s messages or ways of delivering them cross
your boundaries?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
