it bothers us. As discussed in Chapter 1 and in this chapter, determining
what we ourselves are saying or doing that may be contributing
to the dynamic is also part of a conflict analysis. Such an examination
is paramount in our efforts to become increasingly proficient in engaging
in conflict.
Here are some pertinent questions that aim to heighten awareness
about your hot buttons, including what it may take to cool it down.
Some questions ask you to consider the other person’s hot buttons in
the same situation, too.
QUESTIONS
• In one interaction between you and the other person, what,
specifically, did she or he say or do that pushed your hot
button? Or, what did she or he not say or do? Or, how did
she or he act that triggered you?
• If you identified more than one trigger point here, select
one to start with. What makes that a hot button for you?
What value or values did you perceive being undermined,
if any, when the person pushed your hot button? What did
you need from her or him? What aspect or aspects of your
identity, if any, may have felt challenged?
• For what reasons do you think the other person pushed
your hot button? What other reasons might she or he give
that are different from what you are thinking?
• What do you think you were letting the other person do
that is actually within your control?
• If the other person reacted to something you said or did (or
did not say or do, or the way you acted) in the same scenario,
what reaction did you see or hear? To what specifically
was she or he reacting, from what you could tell?
• What might make that a hot button for the other person—
such as what value might she or he have perceived as being
undermined? What aspect of her or his identity might have
felt challenged? What did the other person need from you?
• What reason or reasons motivated you to say or do whatever
triggered the other person? From what you can tell,
how might she or he have interpreted your reason or
reasons that may be different from what you intended?
• What are three conflict-masterful ways to respond when
someone pushes your buttons? What are three conflictmasterful
ways to prevent pushing someone else’s buttons?
• What are you learning about possible ways to cool your hot
buttons in your conflict interactions? What else do you
want to learn on this topic?
• What has occurred to you about hot buttons now that did
not occur to you when you started this series of questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
