And how do I seek to “heal” myself? There might be acts of emotional reparation such as we identified above. However, this might not be enough. The financial compensation or the dinner and flowers might be as much for the liar(s) as for those who have been harmed. Many times, it is not enough to just feel better if cognitive dissonance is to be resolved. Some concrete actions must be taken to rectify the situation if I am to consider myself to once again be a “decent person.” We are often our harshest critic. We know that appeasing God through money in the basket is doing nothing for our self-image. We don’t quite believe that God’s opinion of us is positive—no matter how forgiving God can be. We often can see through our own vail of false reparation. We yell at ourself: “show me the money [that you have given to the victim]!” Better yet, “show me through concrete action how you have made up for the harm that was done.”
Change: Behavioral Patterns
Even if we have somehow made up for the harm that was done as a result of our cheating or purposeful lying, there is still the matter of change in behavior. As we have already noted, this third outcome is often the hardest of the three to achieve. A critical question must be posed: how might behavior change take place and who is monitoring the progress toward the desired outcome? Who should be aware that cheating has occurred, and that the cheater is trying to change their behavior? Do we lie about the lying? Do we not share plans regarding the potential behavior change (in order not to get up too many hopes)—and is not sharing itself a form of cheating? As we have frequently noted, cheating and lying are contagious. No wonder that many coaches, therapists and members of the judicial system tend to run away from cheaters and liars who are seeking assistance.
There is also the matter of tolerating a little bit of cheating—in order to be “realistic”. Since we all “fib” a bit, there is no harm in excusing the soft lie told by our spouse. As in the case of alcoholism, smoking and other addictive behaviors, an important question can be broached: if a little bit of cheating is still allowed then will it grow into larger and more frequent cheating? Is there really such a thing as “healthy” infrequent and small cheating? And is there really such a thing as a minor lie? Does not a little bit of untruth do harm?
Third, there is the matter of state versus trait. Is the person cheating because it is somehow in their “blood” (personality trait) – as we discussed earlier. Are some people “born” to lie? Conversely, is the cheater operating in an environment where cheating is commonly present and often rewarded. The cheater is cheating because this behavior is “in the water” of the setting in which they are often operating. This is a family or organization in which everyone does a bit of lying. We actually commend a brilliant “sport lie.” This is a matter of state rather than trait.
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