Acting on Simmering Signs
Starting as children and over the years of interacting in a wide range
of contexts, we learn and develop views about what constitutes acceptable
and unacceptable actions, words, attitudes, styles of communicating,
ways of treating others, and so on. We aim to demonstrate the
behaviors we consider appropriate, and we generally expect others
to share our ideas of what appropriate is. However, there are times
when our actions do not align with our values or those of others with
whom we interact. Similarly, there are times people act in ways that
are not compatible with their values or ours.
When we are on the receiving end of someone’s behaviors that do
not fit with our beliefs about what is acceptable, many of us tend to
make judgments about the person and her or his character and motives.
We may also have developed stereotypes and biases that we apply at
these times. The thing is—though some behaviors are inexcusable—
in many of our day-to-day interactions we do not always understand
that our rulebooks on what constitutes acceptable behavior and communication
are different from others’ rulebooks. Or, that the meaning
we give another person’s deeds and words does not accurately reflect
her or his intent.
Simmering signs that things are amiss between oneself and another
person are detected as soon as we sense some internal upset and
begin to judge the other person—or even ourselves. Signs may include
physical reactions such as a churning stomach, increased heart
rate, red face, fidgeting, and so on. Or, they may be general negative
thoughts and feelings, or specifically ones about the other person. In
any case, the reasons for whatever we are experiencing are not always
easily identifiable. As with Picking Up the Conflict Vibes, the previous
topic, this is an opportune time—when we start to feel things
simmering inside us—to probe our thinking and emotions to be able
to gain an understanding of what seems to be happening.
Your answers to the following questions will yield some other
ways of viewing yourself, the situation, and the other person when
simmering signs appear.
