Thinking About Whether to Raise the Issue
Many of us grapple with when or whether to raise a potentially contentious
issue with another. The opportunity to make this determination
commonly presents itself when we notice some internal or external
sense of unrest about an interaction, such as those described in Picking
Up the Conflict Vibes and Acting on Simmering Signs. Sometimes
when our gut instincts alert us that something is off, we may
question them and wonder, “Is it really worth it to bring up this
matter?,” or “Am I making a big deal out of nothing?,” and other such
self-inquiry. Uncertainties of all sorts contribute to tentativeness, and
we face indecision about whether to attend to what we sense or leave
it alone.
Deciding what makes a seemingly or potentially conflictual matter
worth raising is a tough call—especially when emotions begin to
prevail. However, under most circumstances, exploring what the
issue or issues mean to us and the benefits and disadvantages of addressing
them is a good starting point. Doing so usually gives us a
better understanding of what we are experiencing regarding any
fears, ambivalences, worries, and our motivations, expectations, and
hopes. Possible challenges to the relationship and our well-being are
also considerations in an analysis of this nature.
Reflective queries about whether to raise an issue that may be
contentious, then, not only help us to clarify the advantages and disadvantages
of initiating a discussion about what we perceive is happening.
They also invite an exploration of whether we are prepared
to face the potential risks that may emerge as part of our analysis.
There may be occasions, of course, when we decide that it is not
prudent, smart, or appropriate to raise a matter. But if we are reluctant
because we tend to avoid conflict or are experiencing fears or other
emotions that impede us, it is important to contemplate how such
factors negatively contribute to the dynamic and the way forward.
