The next series of questions provide another approach when thinking
about whether to raise with another person a specific conflict issue.
(The word “issue” is singularized in these questions. If there are a
number of matters you are considering raising, it helps to explore one
at a time, as the responses often vary from one issue to another.)
QUESTIONS
• What is the issue you are thinking about raising? What
makes it contentious?
• What are the risks of raising the issue for you? What are the
risks of your raising the issue for the other person? What
else worries you about bringing it up?
• What are the opportunities for you if you raise the issue?
What are the opportunities for the other person?
• If you decide not to raise the issue, what then?
• How would you like things to be between you and the
other person, instead of what is currently happening
because of the conflict between you?
• How important is the relationship to you on a scale of 1 to 5,
5 being “extremely important” and 1 being “not at all”?
How important is the issue in dispute on the same scale?
• If the relationship is more important to you than the issue
(or even if you’ve given them the same rating), what do
you need or want from the other person so as not to let the
conflict damage your relationship? What may she or he
need from you?
• If the issue is more important to you than the relationship
(or even if you’ve given them the same rating), what are the
options for settling it? What are the advantages and disadvantages
of those options for you? For the other person?
• When you have raised issues with others in the past and
had a successful outcome, what have you done well in your
communications? What has not worked well that you will
not repeat?
• What are you thinking now about whether to raise the
issue?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
