Conflict mastery, as discussed in Chapter 1, is not just about engaging
effectively in a conflict once it has evolved. When we become
masterful at conflict we are proactive and tap into our feelings and
thoughts early on. We consider the reality of what we are sensing. We
use our learned and innate abilities to reflect on what is going on for
us and with the other person as soon as we sense discord. We consider
whether to address the perceived dissension at this point. We assess
whether the conflict is likely to evolve if we do not share what we are
experiencing.
When we achieve conflict intelligence and mastery, we also contemplate
how best to prepare for the possibility or inevitability of
things materializing. We think out the optimal approach for initiating
a discussion—to discuss what we perceive, gain clarity, and check out
our assumptions. And we think out ways of responding in conflictmasterful
ways in the event the other person raises related concerns
with us.
There are many reasons we may be reluctant to bring up issues
early on about things that offend us and stir up negative feelings.
Certainly, some situations are best left alone. Others are not. Though
we do not always know the optimal tact when we experience inner
conflict, we know we do not feel good about a situation, the other
person’s actions, views, words, and so on, and our own reactions.
These are pivotal clues that provide us with the opportunity to think
out the conflict dynamic and consider the best way forward.
The thing is, generally speaking, it is not an easy task for many
of us to address brewing conflict in its early stages (at least until we
have gained conflict mastery). Rather, it is more often a time we tend
to wait, hoping the disturbing behavior will stop, improve, or not
continue to bother us. Or, we may expect our demeanor will alert the
other person to cease the words or conduct we find noxious. Or, we
make an off-hand remark, anticipating that she or he will get our indirect
message to do so. We may hope, too, that our ongoing negative
feelings will subside and not adversely affect the relationship.
During the sorts of machinations just described, we may engage
in some self-blame and even some wishful thinking. We may misplace
or displace what we are feeling onto unrelated matters or other
people. If we do nothing, we may experience a cloud hovering over
