In the end, it takes courage to learn and use effective ways to
engage in conflict if we tend to avoid it. And it takes courage to discern
when avoidance is the optimal response, and learn and use effective
ways to walk away from conflict. That said, a pattern in which
the consistent choice is to avoid conflict is not compatible with efforts
to learn what it takes to be with the discord in conflict-masterful ways.
So, examining when and why we avoid conflict is a helpful exercise
in the quest for conflict mastery. Here are some relevant questions
about this topic.
QUESTIONS
• Under what circumstances do you usually avoid conflict?
Generally speaking, what is it that you are avoiding in
these circumstances? With regard to a conflict you are
avoiding, what specifically are you avoiding in that one?
Why are you doing so?
• What are the advantages for you of avoiding that situation?
What are the disadvantages for you? What are the
advantages for the other person that you are avoiding this
situation? What are the disadvantages for her or him?
• How might the other person interpret your avoidance in a
way that you prefer she or he does not?
• If you have not yet answered these questions, what will it
be like for you if you continue to avoid the conflict? What is
likely to happen with the conflict? What is likely to occur in
your relationship with the other person?
• If you experience a void when you avoid conflict, how else
might you describe the void or other feelings you
experience?
• If the concept of fleeing applies to you and the ways in
which you avoid conflict, what would you say you are
fleeing from? What are you fleeing to?
• When someone else avoids a conflict with you, what do you
observe about her or him? What is it like to be on the
receiving end of someone’s avoiding conflict?
• What do you suppose it would take for you to stop
avoiding?
• What approach or approaches to conflict do you want to
master that will work more effectively than avoiding?
• If you reconsider the current situation that you are avoiding,
in what ways would that approach or approaches work
for you (your answer to the previous question)? In what
ways would that approach or approaches work for the
other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
