Conflict Jitters
In addition to the other responses to possible conflict discussed so far,
when we expect that an interaction is likely to be contentious, the
chances are that many of us get the “jitters.” This means we may feel
anxious, nervous, fidgety, and generally unsettled. We may fret and
become preoccupied about what the other person may say or do, how
we will cope, whether things will get out of hand, and so on. It is an
understatement to say that jitter-causing stimuli get in the way of engaging
effectively in conflict. It may be why some people choose to
avoid interactions that are potentially discordant, or bottle things up.
Often the reasons for jitters have to do with fears that do not necessarily
have a basis in reality. However, previous experiences,
others’ narratives about what has happened to them in like circumstances,
and a wide range of other influences may result in our
dreading conflict. The jitters may even contribute to the negative
course the conflict takes, because we lose our equilibrium at these
times. None of these reactions, of course, facilitates our efforts to
become conflict masterful.
To alleviate conflict jitters, it helps to literally and figuratively step
back as much as possible before engaging in an interaction about
which we feel flustered and anxious. By doing so, we are more likely
to figure out what is needed to manage the situation effectively and
preempt unnecessary conflict. The following questions encourage
the sorts of reflections that may enable you to do so, if this notion
of conflict jitters applies to you. (More on the subject of fears is discussed
in Chapter 1 and in the topic Fears About Being in Conflict
in Chapter 3.)
QUESTIONS
• Under what sorts of circumstances do you get the conflict
jitters?
• Try to imagine a specific conflict situation that is giving you
the jitters. For what reasons are you experiencing them?
How would you describe the jitters?
• What fears, if any, are you experiencing regarding this
situation, if you have not yet mentioned them?
• If applicable, how realistic are the fears in the situation you
have in mind, rating each on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being
“absolutely realistic” and 1 being “not realistic at all”?
If you rated 4 or less, what is not absolutely realistic?
• How are the jitters helping you be proactive and effective
about the situation? How are the jitters not helping you?
What are you forfeiting by having the jitters? If you did not
have jitters about this conflict, what would you be saying or
doing differently?
• What is within your control regarding this conflict? What
are your strengths when it comes to managing conflict that
you might use in this situation?
• How else might you look at this situation to help reduce the
jitters? For instance, a year from now, what learning do you
want to be able to say you gained from it?
• How are you viewing the other person in this situation?
How might you look at her or him differently to take back
the power you may be handing over?
• Who will you be in this situation without the jitters? How
will you be?
• When you reach a place where the jitters will not interfere
with how you proceed with this potential conflict or others,
what will you say or do differently (or how will you
otherwise be different)? With what will you have replaced
the jitters?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
