The Cold Shoulder
One of the many possible reactions to people who provoke us is to
give them “the cold shoulder.” This is another metaphor referring
to the shoulder that provides a visual description of the ways in which
emotions during interpersonal conflicts may be conveyed. Like the
phrase “chip on the shoulder,” a “cold shoulder” conjures up a vivid
image that expresses a great deal in a few words about body language
that is sometimes demonstrated in conflict situations. The exact origin
of this phrase is not definitive, but it is typically used to express an
act of dismissing or disregarding someone.
The first occurrence of the phrase “cold shoulder” in print was
apparently by Sir Walter Scott in The Antiquary.3 Descriptors include
aloofness and disdain. Another explanation is that the term stems
from a direct yet subtle way to serve food to an unwanted guest, that
is, by serving an inferior cut of meat (“cold shoulder of mutton”) as
opposed to a hot meal or a roast fresh out of the oven,4 which was
customary hospitality at the time. A third source claims it is a literal
action: placing one’s back toward, or at least keeping a shoulder between,
a person one is trying to avoid.5
When it comes to conflict, the physical representation of a cold
shoulder, then, may refer to literally turning away from and avoiding
the other person in a dismissive or contemptuous way. Or, it may be
an obvious lack of warmth and openness demonstrated by minimal,
if any, communications.
We know that when we experience negative emotions toward
someone, such as when a conflict is brewing, we typically show we
are upset in various ways besides what comes out of our mouths. Our
facial and body language speak volumes, and we pick up signals of
other people’s negative feelings, too, when we observe their physical
reactions. We may not always correctly identify what we are seeing
and sensing. However, many of us are able to interpret somatic messages,
such as a cold shoulder, with some degree of accuracy. It does
not mean, however, that we know the reasons for such behavior.
