For this set of questions, it helps to consider two situations—one
in which you are experiencing or have experienced someone giving
you the cold shoulder. The other involves giving someone else the
cold shoulder, if you have ever done so. As with many behaviors, this
one may happen at various stages of conflict, and whenever it occurs
it is an opportune time to engage with the other person. If the engagement
is initiated as soon as it happens—which is commonly before
conflict emerges—the timing is ripe to prevent unnecessary escalation
of a dispute.
QUESTIONS
• How would you describe the cold shoulder you are experiencing
from another person? What is the coldest part
about it?
• What messages are you inferring from the other person’s
cold shoulder? What is her or his cold shoulder accomplishing?
What is it not accomplishing?
• What do you think the person’s reasons are for giving you
the cold shoulder? What reasons do you know for certain?
If you do not know the reasons, what are some possibilities?
• What would it take for you to engage the other person in
conversation to be able to find out what is happening? What
concerns do you have about doing so, if you feel reluctant?
• To look at this another way, generally speaking, under what
circumstances, if any, have you given someone else the cold
shoulder, in this or another conflict? What does it feel like?
• If you are or were giving the cold shoulder to another
person in a specific situation, how would you describe what
you are or were doing? How do you think the other person
might describe your cold shoulder? What might it feel like
to her or him?
• For what reasons are you choosing, or did you choose, to
give the cold shoulder?
• What message(s) are you, or were you, meaning to convey
by giving the other person the cold shoulder? What messages
do you think the other person is receiving, or received,
that align with your intent? What messages might she or he
be receiving, or have received, that do not align with your
intent?
• What would it take for you to give a “warm shoulder”
instead of a cold one in this situation? Generally, what
would a warm shoulder look like as compared to a cold
shoulder, whether it is you or the other person giving it?
• What is a conflict-masterful response to another person—
rather than giving the cold shoulder—when in conflict?
How might you respond in conflict-masterful ways to
people with whom you are in conflict, who demonstrate a
cold shoulder toward you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
