Making Assumptions
As with the tendency to jump to conclusions, figuring out from where
and how our assumptions arise is not a straightforward exercise.
Undoubtedly, our life experiences over time, our instincts, reasons
why we say or do related things, explanations provided by family,
friends, and colleagues, and other rationales have an impact on our
interpretations.
Further, gossip we hear or participate in, the closeness of the particular
relationship, the understanding and trust between us, how
empathetic we are in general and specifically about the other person
in this scenario, the degree to which we tend to judge others, how
attuned we are to ourselves, and a wide range of other variables also
influence our thinking and contribute to what we read into people’s
words, actions, behaviors, attitudes, and more.
Sometimes the meaning we give and what we assume about a
statement or action by one person may differ from similar experiences
with another person who says or does the same thing. That is, we
may overlook, make excuses for, or smile at something done or said
by a dear friend and not make negative assumptions about her or his
motives, whereas we may read ill intent into the same statement or
action by someone we don’t know or like for some reason. Whatever
the case, conflict easily arises from misinterpretations, and misinterpretations
may even turn into accusations.
We know that unexplored attributions do not foster conflict intelligence
and that this aspect of conflict, like others, has many layers to
it. The next series of questions provide an opportunity to examine
some of those attributions if you have a tendency to make assumptions
or assign motives to others, or are doing so in a particular situation.
(This topic has some similarities to Jumping to Conclusions,
and the questions there may also help in your reflections here.)
QUESTIONS
• In a specific interaction in which you are interpreting
someone’s words or actions in negative ways, what did the
person specifically say or do (or not say or do) that is
having an adverse impact on you?
• For what reasons do you think she or he is saying or doing
that?
• What is leading you to believe this is what she or he
intended?
• What explanation might the other person provide about
those actions or words that may not be consistent with the
reasons you named (your answer to the second question,
above)?
• If you have observed a friend saying or doing these same
things or something similar, what other reason or reasons,
if any, occur to you? If you have said or done the same sort
of thing, what other reasons arise?
• What do you think would surprise the other person most
about what you have assumed about her or his actions or
words? What may surprise you about other possible explanations
that she or he, or someone else, might suggest?
• If you think the person in this situation intended to cause a
negative impact on you, why would that be the case?
• What do you suppose keeps you from checking out your
assumptions with her or him? What is that hesitation
about? What is likely to happen if you do not check out
your assumptions?
• If you do check out your assumptions and find you accurately
identified them, what impact will that have on you
and your relationship with the other person? What may be
the impact on you and the relationship if you are not
accurate about your assumptions?
• What is your learning here about making assumptions that
will help you in your efforts to strengthen your conflict
intelligence?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
