Speaking Up
One of the things that complicates conflict and leads to bad experiences
is the inability to speak up, voice our needs, stand up for ourselves,
express our feelings, and explain or defend our perspective. Even if
we usually have the ability to do any of these things, the nature of
some conflicts, and the dynamics between certain people and ourselves,
may impede our confidence and courage at times.
Though a fear of conflict, possible repercussions, and other reasons
get in the way of effectively initiating and engaging in potentially
difficult discussions, not speaking up can lead to discord. At the very
least, when we do not speak up we experience internal dissension,
and that has a negative impact on us and our relationship with the
other person. And these sorts of feelings tend to build up over time.
In reality, certain situations and dynamics between us and others
are more challenging to manage. For some of us, speaking up does
not come easily under most circumstances, much less a potentially
fractious interaction. Our emotions, individual conflict styles and experiences,
and self-limiting beliefs and behaviors all add other layers
of complexity. Composure and confidence typically plummet at these
times along with self-esteem, such that speaking up becomes even
less likely.
If you have challenges finding and keeping your voice when in
conflict, these questions will help you explore these and other possible
ways to overcome them. Being able to speak up is undoubtedly to
our benefit if we use the pertinent skills before conflict emerges. However,
honing proficiencies for effectively expressing ourselves is a
good plan for use anywhere along the conflict trajectory.
QUESTIONS
• What does the expression “speaking up” mean to you? In
your view, what three words best describe what you experience
when you do not speak up when there is growing
discord between you and another person? What sorts of
things go through your head at these times?
• When you consider a particular situation in which you are
not speaking up, what specifically is keeping you from
doing so? Why is that so?
• What is not speaking up costing you?
• What is the worst thing you can imagine happening if you
do speak up?
• On a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being “absolutely” and 1 being
“absolutely not,” how realistic is the possibility that the
worst thing you just described could happen if you speak
up? If your answer is 5, what makes it so? If your answer
is 4 or less, what does the rating mean?
• In the particular situation you are considering here, what
three words describe how you will feel if you express what
you want to say and your messages get across? What do you
envision as the best-case scenario if you speak up?
• What are the main messages you would express if you did
speak up in that situation? How might you begin a dialogue,
if you gain more skills and confidence to speak up, that is
most likely to lead toward the feelings and best-case scenario
you just described (your answers to the previous question)?
• What skills and abilities do you want to work on to help
carry through this conversation? What else do you think
would help you find your voice?
• What do you want to learn about yourself to facilitate your
proficiency in this area in future conflicts?
• What inner resources do you know you already have to be
able to express yourself in this and future conflicts, based on
previous experiences when you have been able to speak up?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
