You Make Me So Angry
For a number of reasons, the expression, “You make me so angry” (or
sad, disappointed, depressed, and so on) does not quite work. Sentences
that begin this way indicate that the speaker believes the other
person has the power and ability to cause the emotions the speaker
feels. Such statements essentially blame someone else for something
only we have the power and ability to control and regulate. This topic
explores our own power when it comes to emotions we experience
in conflict.
This by no means suggests that it is not necessary to explore the
feelings we experience in response to another person’s actions or
words. Our negative reactions to what someone does or says usually
reflect that we perceive something meaningful to us is being challenged.
By examining these reactions, we are better able to identify
and understand what needs, values, and beliefs are of such major
importance that they motivate strong emotions in us when we sense
another person challenges or threatens them. Further, thinking out
what drives our emotions, in each of our conflicts, strengthens our
ability to regulate them through increased awareness about what we
are experiencing and why.
The level of consciousness that arises from exploring what lies
beneath our emotional reactions also helps to preempt forays into
unnecessary conflict and interactions that may be managed more effectively.
We may accomplish this, for instance, not only by gaining
more clarity about what incites our reactions, but also by considering
what is driving the other person’s reactions. Insights such as these—
about why certain actions compel strong feelings in us and the other
person—facilitate the route to conflict mastery.
Here are some questions that help such an exploration by focusing
on a specific emotion you are experiencing, or have experienced, in
a conflict. (This aspect is further explored in Chapter 3 under the topic
Understanding Heightened Emotions When in Conflict.)
QUESTIONS
• If you are making a statement that begins with, “She or he
makes me so _______ (angry, upset, sad…)” about a person’s
words, actions, and so on in a specific conflict, what is one
emotion you might use to fill in this blank?
• What happened, or is happening, that resulted in that
emotion?
• In what way(s) does the other person cause _______ (whatever
emotion you answered in the first question)?
• What part or parts of your previous answer describes your
perception of the other person’s intention(s)? Or, if your
perception about the other person’s intention(s) is not
included in your answer to the previous question, what do
you think it is (or they are)?
• If you do not think the other person intended to cause the
emotions you referred to (in the first question in this series),
what reasons might there be for her or his actions or words?
• What emotion, if any, comes up for you when you consider
those possible reasons (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you believe the other person has the ability and power to
“make” you feel what you did, what sorts of things foster
this belief?
• If you believe the other person did not actually make you feel
what you experienced, how does that belief change things, if
at all?
• What ability and power do you believe you have regarding
your reactions to the other person in this scenario? What
other strengths do you already have to be able to respond in
conflict-masterful ways?
• Generally speaking, what sorts of abilities and power do you
have and intend to use going forward when other people’s
actions and words negatively affect you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
