Preparing to Initiate a Conflict Conversation
Being involved in conflict-related conversations is a common happenstance.
Whether we initiate them or others do, many of us experience
some degree of angst in anticipation of communications perceived to
be potentially contentious. Fears often surface, as does a range of
other unsettling reactions that relate to our insecurities and vulnerabilities.
Whatever we dread about such conversations has the potential
for reducing our confidence and ability to communicate.
One of the other consequences of being apprehensive about raising
conflictual matters (even ones that may only possibly be so) is that we
tend to put them off. Or, we blurt out something hurtful, in awkward
ways, or at inappropriate times, or when the other person is not ready
and open to listen. Because one or more of these approaches may result
in counterproductive communications and unnecessary conflict, it
helps to give careful consideration about how best to proceed.
Preparation is key. That is, becoming masterful at initiating (or
responding to) communications when we begin to notice dissension
requires stepping back early on and engaging in thoughtful preparation.
It means being purposeful about what we are hoping to achieve
and what it takes to do so. It means thinking out what we want to be
most prepared for. It means facing our fears about the situation, including
our worries about how the other person may react and how
we will manage such reactions if our concerns become reality. It
means considering what other variables need to be contemplated to
be able to plan the optimal interaction, as much as possible.
Taking a methodical and reflective approach before entering into
conversations that may become problematic, then, helps in many
ways. For instance, by doing so we gain distance from the situation
and the emotions that drive us to react. We take time to consider
different perspectives, and get clearer on our perceptions and assumptions
including those we need to check out. We envision and
practice optional responses in the event we are challenged. We consider
possible solutions to the issues in dispute. And with all this focused
preparation, we build conflict intelligence and mastery.
The following questions are designed to help you prepare for a
potentially challenging conversation that you aim to initiate and engage
in with conflict mastery.
QUESTIONS
• What is the outcome you want to achieve in this conversation?
What are the key messages you want to convey to be
able to achieve that outcome? What else do you intend to
say or do to help facilitate reaching the result you want?
• What outcome may the other person want?
• What of the other person’s messages do you want to be
most prepared for? How do you want to respond to those
messages in a way that reflects conflict mastery?
• To what extent do you want to strive for a result that is
mutually acceptable? What result might that be?
• If you want things to resolve in a mutually satisfactory way,
what will a collaborative approach sound like?
• How do you want to be, and be perceived, during this
conversation? What tone, manner, or body language do you
intend to have in order to come across the way you want?
What will you not say or do in this conversation because it
is not aligned with your intentions?
• What is your biggest fear about initiating this conversation?
What is likely not realistic about that happening? What is
likely realistic about that fear? What is the optimal way to
prepare for that possibility?
• How do you want to be in relation to the other person
when this conversation is over? How do you want to feel
about yourself?
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• What do you know from observing others and your own
positive experiences with other interpersonal conflicts
that will help you interact the way you want to in this
conversation?
• What other conflict-masterful ways of being will guide you
to interact in this conversation the way you want?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?
